MARATHON
I read that this year’s New York City Marathon will be run single file, to kind of shake things up.
FOUND
I found a hat on the sidewalk and I think it might belong to you or someone with a similarly shaped head.
HULK HOGAN
I partnered with Hulk Hogan for a while, until I realized he was using up all my gasoline, liquor, dynamite, and toilet paper. Eventually I started to realize that there is an upside to being alone in the world. No, wait, hear me out. There is.
THE BIBLE
Out of sight, out of mind, that’s what the Bible says.
QUOTATION
“Every time you go into a revolving door, a different person steps out.” -Heraclitus
KONG
Most people forget the part where King Kong finally releases Fay Wray and she then carefully climbs back down the side of the Empire State Building.
WEEDS
Weed wrenches give me castration anxiety.
WIN OR LOSE
“Did you win or lose?”
“No.”
COME IN, WE’RE OPEN
The sign said “Come In, We’re Open” but after I went in it said “Sorry We’re Closed.” And what do you mean “Goodbye Forever,” it’s only Tuesday. I’m sorry I got mad at you when you said “Your shirts aren’t ready” when what you really meant to say was “Here are your dirty shirts.”
IN THE BEGINNING
It’s a common misconception that God created the Earth in seven days. Actually he took the first five days off and didn’t even start until Day 6. “Sick relative,” was the excuse I think he used. Or “Dead neighbor.” One of those.
Mike Topp was born in Washington, D.C. He is currently living in New York City unless he has died or moved. He is working on a zine with Raymond Pettibon called Sports and Divertissements.