What if it’s all torn down, she asked me.
I thought this was an odd question coming out of such young mouth. I wondered what exactly it was they teaching her at the preschool. We, me and her mother, me and my wife, are giving nearly half of our income to to that place.
What if it’s all torn down, she asked again and I had to figure out how to reply.
Time was running out.
Well what if what is all torn down?
My reply was hopeful, I wanted the next words she said to recapture her innocence.
The people that we love, and things that we love, and the thoughts that we think, what if it all falls apart?
Damn it. I realized I was in a spot. I was in a spot and after I got out of that spot I was going to have to go down to the preschool and find out what exactly the curriculum was. This was too advanced I thought. You can’t make my daughter think this deeply without my knowledge, or my consent.
Where did you get that idea, I replied to her.
What’s an idea?
An idea is a thought, like an opinion.
What’s an opinion?
You know, how I might say ‘I think that blue is a good color,’ I said while pointing to my shirt to show her again what blue was.
Oh, well what if those thinks don’t work anymore?
Well why wouldn’t they?
I don’t trust you.
Her eyes seemed blank, the words didn’t affect her and they did affect me because I knew I was losing control. I hate losing control and I hate knowing that I’m losing control even more. I like when the people around me can at least be nice enough to let me pretend that I still have it. I like when people pretend they still have it too. Then we can all go along thinking that we all have control, when in reality there’s just no possible way.
Why don’t you trust me?
Because you lie.
No I don’t darling, when do I lie?
You lie every night.
No I don’t.
Then why do you pretend to look around for monsters when you can’t even see them?