Danny Swain

Danny Swain has been published three times under the name “Albie” in Kevin L Donihe’s BARE BONE anthologies. He received an Honourable Mention in The Year’s Best Fantasy and Horror 2006. He lives in Hull, England and was once a member of the New Absurdists. He can be found on Twitter as @dannyswain3.

I AM A WRITER by Danny Swain

October 5, 2018 · Fiction

I make up symptoms to get unnecessary hospital treatment.

Because I'm a writer.

I don't bathe for years and scratch smiley faces in the dirt on my body. I photograph the faces and send them to random strangers through the post.

Because I'm a writer.

I drink booze until my soul intrudes on the secret meetings between God and Satan.

Because I'm a writer.

When my dog died I had sex with it.

Because I'm a writer.

I hang out with tramps who I only speak mock Chinese to.

Because I'm a writer.

I traveled forty miles west and tried to kill a man with a pencil.

Because I'm a writer.

I dress up as a woman and offer sex to men. When we get into an alley I take a dump in front of them and run off screaming "RAPE!"

Because I'm a writer.

I once babysat two kids and I injected heroin in front of them and just laughed.

Because I'm a writer.

I didn't touch those kids though.

Because I'm not a very good writer.

Danny Swain