I knew that downloading music was illegal, but my dad was the one who showed me how to do it, so I didn’t worry too much. I still prayed at night for God to forgive me, just in case.
***
The Australian’s username was koala_rocks47 and he was thirty-two, though I didn’t know that yet.
I was eleven and three-quarters. I’d found the John Mayer fan forum through a Google search after Drew read the lyrics to “Why Georgia” in Literature class, during our poetry unit.
“am I living it right?” over and over again, while his hands shook.
I wasn’t living at all, not really. Not until I heard that song.
***
koala_rocks47: hey Why_GeorgiaGurl! saw ur post about wanting the Melbourne bootleg. I’ve got the whole show, soundboard quality. want me to upload it for you?
Why_GeorgiaGurl: omg yes please!!! I only have the first 4 songs from limewire and they keep cutting out
koala_rocks47: no worries, mate. us hardcore fans gotta stick together. btw love your username – georgia’s my favorite track too. how old are you?
Why_GeorgiaGurl: 16
***
On Wednesday mornings, Pastor Jim drove the Presbyterian middle schoolers to Bojangles on Cleveland Highway. We called it Prayer Breakfast. At Bojangles I would order a cinnamon biscuit, a buttered biscuit, and a Mr. Pibb. I’d watch Drew across the restaurant while Jim asked us about our “faith journeys.”
“Anyone want to share what God’s been doing in their lives this week?”
I could’ve shared that I’d stayed up until 3 AM downloading bootlegs with someone named koala_rocks47, who thinks I am in high school. Instead, I said nothing and watched Drew’s headphones settle around his neck, wondering what holy music played through them.
Last week on the bus, his batteries died and he asked to share mine. We listened to a live John Mayer show from Melbourne together. During “Comfortable” our arms touched and stayed touching for three whole songs.
“Where do you find all these?” he asked.
“The internet,” I said.
***
The next Wednesday his batteries worked but he asked to share headphones anyway. This time he played me Damien Rice and said “this will make you cry” and I pretended it did even though I was mostly thinking about how to make our arms touch again.
***
On the forum, I tell people I’ve been to twelve John Mayer concerts. I say my favorite was Atlanta because that’s the closest city people would recognize. I talk about the acoustics at the Fox Theatre even though I’ve only seen pictures online.
koala_rocks47: which was your favorite show of all the ones you’ve been to?
Why_GeorgiaGurl: probably the one at eddie’s attic. he played this unreleased song called “in your atmosphere” and everyone was dead silent
I downloaded another bootleg. Hartford, 2002. The crowd noise sounded like prayers or waves or static between radio stations.
***
I burned Drew a mix CD and almost called it “Songs for Bojangles” but at the last second I wrote “Songs for Wednesday Mornings”. I included the Melbourne “Why Georgia,” some Damien Rice, and other songs I thought sounded appropriately deep and romantic. Songs about longing and roads and being older than we were.
***
koala_rocks47: what’s winter like there?
In Georgia, winter meant maybe putting on a fleece. Maybe frost on car windows that melted by 9 AM. In Brisbane it was summer. Upside-down seasons.
Why_GeorgiaGurl: cold sometimes
I opened a new browser and googled the distance between Brisbane and Atlanta which was 9,272 miles.
***
Drew’s mix CD got scratched. The Damien Rice track skipped on “still a little bit” over and over.
“Still a little bit still a little bit still a little…”
***
That night I prayed. “Dear God, forgive me for lying about my age. And for downloading. And for the way I feel when Drew’s arm touches mine during ‘Comfortable.’”
***
Some girls hang out in Pastor Jim’s office after school, taking photos on flip phones and listening to emo music that almost sounds like worship songs. I don’t go because I don’t get asked but also because when I mentioned it to my mom she furrowed her brow and said “I don’t know about that.”
I rolled my eyes and told her it was perfectly fine and she said that it didn’t matter. That it was a bad look.
I mentioned this to Drew, like can you believe this, and he kind of shrugged. He said, “I mean yeah, he never has the guys in his office.”
***
I asked koala_rox47 if he believed in God and he typed for a really long time before just saying “no”.
***
At Prayer Breakfast, Pastor Jim always sat next to whoever was newest. This week it was Anna from sixth grade. He asked her about her “walk with Christ” while his hand rested on her back.
My Mr. Pibb tasted flat. I couldn’t finish my second biscuit. When Drew played me an unreleased Damien Rice song on the bus, I could barely pay attention to the words. I stared out the window watching the cars fly past us on Cleveland Highway and letting my mind go blank.
***
My mom asked me again about Pastor Jim and I said I hadn’t noticed anything. She stared at me for a long time. I added this to my list of lies needing forgiveness.
***
koala_rocks47 messaged me less and less. Or was it me who was messaging him less and less?
***
I started praying with just the beginnings. Dear God, Dear God, Dear God, Dear God, Dear God, Dear God, Dear God, Dear God.