1.
About a week before the deer trouble starts, the mayor of Westerntown is sitting with his wife in a swinging loveseat on their patio, and their three kids, the two boys, who are four and six, and the girl, who’s almost two, are playing. The two boys are in the sandbox that’s in the middle of the yard, building sandcastles, and the girl is pushing a fire truck around on a blanket that’s been spread out on the ground next to where the mayor and his wife are sitting.
As the mayor and his wife relax and their kids play, two deer wander into the neighbor’s yard and start having sex. The mayor’s wife notices the two deer first. “That’s weird,” she says, pointing at the two deer.
The mayor looks to where his wife is pointing. “That is weird,” he says. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen deer having sex before.”
The mayor’s wife reaches over and takes the mayor’s hand in hers. “I really hate to spoil this special moment,” she says, smiling ever so slightly. That smile is one of the many reasons why the mayor absolutely loves his wife. “But just to be safe.” She gives his hand a little squeeze. “Do you think we should bring the kids inside?”
“Sure,” the mayor says, looking from his daughter to his sons, then over at the two deer. He gives his wife’s hand a little squeeze back and adds, “Just to be safe.”
So, the mayor’s wife picks up their daughter, and the mayor goes and grabs the two boys, one in each arm. The older boy starts asking questions immediately. Quite understandably, his first question being “What’s going on?”
“We’re going inside,” the mayor says.
“Why?”
“Because of the deer.”
“What deer?”
“The deer in the neighbor’s yard.”
The mayor is about ten feet from the patio door, where his wife is standing with their daughter and waiting for him and the boys, when the older boy finally sees the two deer and asks the inevitable, which is “What are they doing?”
Even though this is the first time that any of his kids have ever asked him about anything related to sex, the mayor, who considers himself to be an expert at answering tough questions, is unfazed and says, “They’re making a little baby deer.”
“Why are they doing that?” the older boy asks.
The mayor doesn’t pause to reflect on the why of the whole thing. He simply says, “Because sometimes when two grownup deer meet, if they really like each other, they decide to make a little baby.”
After the mayor says what he’s just said, he looks toward his wife and winks, and his wife smiles that slight smile of hers and rolls her eyes.
And once everyone’s inside and the questions have stopped, the mayor doesn’t give the two deer a second thought. He just sits on the couch with his kids and watches a cartoon about a three-legged dog and a squirrel who go on adventures together.
2.
Westerntown is a regular town. And like any town, the residents work all sorts of different jobs, but the biggest employer is undoubtedly the plastic factory, which can be seen chugging along day and night in the industrial area on the edge of Westerntown. The plastic factory has recently started using a new formula. This is a big deal because the new formula allows the factory to produce plastic at a fraction of what it had previously cost to do so. The owner of the plastic factory was so excited that he threw a gala to announce the adoption of the new formula. The owner of the plastic factory absolutely loves the 1993 movie Tombstone. He loves the movie so much that he frequently dresses up as Doc Holliday and forces his employees to reenact different scenes from the movie. At the gala, the owner of the plastic factory, who was dressed up as Doc Holliday, put on a display of trick shooting the likes of which the town had never seen before.
3.
It’s like a switch has been flipped. Deer are everywhere in Westerntown, and they’re having sex nonstop.
4.
The mayor’s secret is that back before the plastic factory started using the new formula, the guy who owns the plastic factory emailed him (the mayor) a report that concluded that the formula could have undesirable effects on local wildlife, in particular, on deer. The report also noted that it would be virtually impossible for any regulatory agency to establish a connection between the formula and any effects that it might have.
The mayor really didn’t want to call and ask what was going on. The mayor and the guy who owns the plastic factory have been friends for years, ever since they fought together in Afghanistan, but even though they used to be super close, the mayor has started avoiding the guy who owns the plastic factory because whenever they talk, the guy who owns the plastic factory normally tries to get the mayor to agree to start participating in the reenactments. And just in general, the mayor also finds the way that the guy who owns the plastic factory has started speaking with a Southern accent, like Doc Holliday in Tombstone, kind of irritating. But given the situation, the mayor felt like he had to call.
“Why hello there, Wyatt,” the guy who owns the plastic factory said when he answered. Wyatt is not the mayor’s name. For reference, Wyatt Earp is Doc Holliday’s BFF in Tombstone.
“We need to talk about that report you just sent me.”
“I thought I just sent you the video of my latest reenactment,” the guy who owns the plastic factory said, switching back to his regular voice. There was a pause, during which time the mayor could hear a mouse distinctly being clicked. “Shit,” the guy who owns the plastic factory eventually said. “I uploaded the wrong file.” Then, he asked, “Did you happen to read the report?”
“That’s why I’m calling.”
“Okay,” the guy who owns the plastic factory said, “you definitely shouldn’t have done that, but I think the best thing for both of us would be to just move forward and forget about the report.”
“Are you actually going to—”
“Let me ask you a question,” the guy who owns the plastic factory said. “Do you want the plastic factory to close down?”
“Are you saying that you’ll close the factory if you can’t use that formula?”
“I just might have to.”
And here’s the thing: the mayor has visited many towns that don’t have plastic factories. He’s spent time in those towns, and to put it plainly, he didn’t like those towns. So, when the guy who owns the plastic factory made the threat, the mayor said, “That’s funny,” and did his best to laugh naturally, as if one of them had made a joke, before adding, “The email with the report just disappeared.”
Of course, just saying that the email had been deleted wasn’t good enough for the guy who owns the plastic factory. He insisted on doing a video call to first confirm that the email had in fact been deleted and then to watch the mayor smash his computer. But in the end, even though the whole thing had cost him the computer, the mayor still wound up feeling like a crisis had been averted.
5.
The rumors that the new formula is causing the deer situation don’t really bother the guy who owns the plastic factory. What really bothers him is when he starts to feel like the rumors are negatively impacting his latest reenactment because he takes reenactments very seriously. He’s currently forcing a few of his employees to reenact the scene from Tombstone where Doc Holliday and Ike Clanton are playing cards. In the scene, Ike gets mad because he thinks that Doc is cheating, and Ike ends up getting arrested by Wyatt Earp’s brother Virgil. For this particular reenactment, the guy who owns the plastic factory has had an exact replica built of the saloon where the scene takes place. In other words, as far as reenactments go, this one should be glorious, but the employee playing Ike, a guy named Toby, just doesn’t seem committed to his performance. Toby had been wonderful during rehearsals. He’d truly embodied Ike, but Toby just doesn’t seem to be giving his all anymore. And as far as the guy who owns the plastic factory can tell, the only thing that’s changed is that during the rehearsals, the rumors hadn’t started swirling yet. While the guy who owns the plastic factory can’t help but feel frustrated, at least initially, he simply encourages Toby. “Come on, Toby,” the guy who owns the plastic factory says. “I believe in you.” He gestures at the other employees who are playing various characters and adds, “We all believe in you.” Eventually, the guy who owns the plastic factory starts giving Toby very direct suggestions, but even then, the guy who owns the plastic factory feels like Toby isn’t really listening. So, during what becomes the final take, the guy who owns the plastic factory gets so worked up and outraged that he pulls out one of his six-shooters and shoots Toby in the shoulder.
6.
The mayor holds a press conference in front of town hall. As the mayor speaks to the reporters and various townspeople who have gathered, deer are having sex on the lawn leading up to town hall and in the parking lot and in the street that runs past town hall. The mayor says that there’s absolutely no evidence that the new formula is causing the deer situation. The mayor says that it’s just a coincidence that the deer started acting the way that they’re acting right after the factory started using the new formula. The mayor says that the town is lucky to have the plastic factory and that the people who are tossing around the unfounded allegations need to be more considerate because what they’re doing is really upsetting the guy who owns said factory. The mayor concludes by saying that talks to try and get Toby rehired by the plastic factory are set to begin shortly.
7.
As it turns out, there’s really only one talk. It’s held at town hall and includes the mayor, Toby, and the guy who owns the plastic factory. The guy who owns the plastic factory shows up dressed as Doc Holliday and says that three things need to happen before he’d be willing to rehire Toby: Toby has to apologize, the mayor has to agree to start playing Wyatt Earp in the reenactments, and a new holiday called “Plastic Factory Appreciation Day” (PFAD) will need to be created. As such, all three demands are quickly agreed to, and a few days after the press conference, the mayor announces the creation of PFAD. The event is billed as a celebration of the plastic factory, similar to the 4th of July, where the many people who absolutely love the plastic factory can start fighting back against the vocal minority who are being critical of the factory, and PFAD is going to be held in the center of town on the guy who owns the plastic factory’s birthday, which is about a month and a half away.
8.
When the deer start charging anyone who gets within fifty feet of them when they’re having sex, which is all the time, the mayor’s wife says that enough is enough and takes the three kids and leaves town. Although the mayor is sad to see his family go, then sad and lonely once he realizes what it’s going to be like without them, the mayor keeps telling himself that it’s only temporary because he’s convinced that if he can make it to PFAD, which is about a month away, a good portion of the townspeople will still attend the event despite the risk of getting attacked, and when the guy who owns the plastic factory sees how devoted so many of the townspeople are to the factory, he’ll be inspired to do the right thing and stop using the new formula. So, the mayor has a little hope to cling to, and as he waits for PFAD, he begins walking around his house because he finds that the loneliness is somehow slightly less crushing when he’s moving.
When the guy who owns the plastic factory found out that the mayor’s wife had left, he sent the mayor a basket of assorted jellies, and as the mayor walks around his house, he eats the raspberry apricot, orange fig, prickly pear, strawberry rhubarb, and pineapple mango jelly straight from the jar with a spoon and says things like “That’s where my wife sits and reads,” pointing at the oversized armchair in the living room, and “This is where my daughter eats,” pointing at the high chair in the kitchen, as if giving someone a tour. Once the jelly runs out, the mayor just walks with the spoon rattling around inside an empty jar as he works on developing a very specific script, like any good tour guide, and he just keeps going through it. He stops going into his office at town hall, so he can focus on the script. And he even starts to think that if he can develop the absolutely perfect script, when his wife eventually returns with their kids, he’ll be able to get things back to exactly how they were because he’ll know exactly how they should be.
9.
About two weeks before PFAD, the guy who owns the plastic factory calls the mayor and says that he (the guy who owns the plastic factory) is a genius and has come up with a solution to the deer problem. He’s so excited that he’s not speaking with a Southern accent. “We go on an epic deer hunt,” he says, “and if we start now, we could probably have the whole thing wrapped up by Plastic Factory Appreciation Day.”
As a politician, the mayor has always prided himself on his willingness to compromise, but at this point, he can’t take it anymore and simply says, “Or you could just stop using the new formula.”
“You know, I’ve been trying to cut you some slack because of your wife,” the guy who owns the plastic factory says. “I put the next reenactment on hold, and I didn’t say anything when you never thanked me for the jelly basket. But this constant second-guessing has to stop.”
“What are you talking about?” the mayor asks. “What constant second-guessing?”
“Just last week,” the guy who owns the plastic factory says, “when I had to shoot those two employees, who I shot in the leg as a compromise by the way, when we talked afterward, you didn’t check to see if I was okay or ask why I’d shot them. You just started right in telling me that I can’t shoot my employees anymore.”
“I wasn’t just saying that,” the mayor says. “You really do have to stop.”
The guy who owns the plastic factory takes a deep breath, then exhales loudly. “If I can’t shoot my employees anymore, how am I supposed to be an effective manager?”
“Look, I’m being serious,” the mayor says, getting angry for the first time since this whole thing began. “Why don’t you just stop using the new formula.”
“Why don’t you just shut up,” the guy who owns the plastic factory says.
To which the mayor replies, “You shut up.”
So, they start going back and forth, and the guy who owns the plastic factory ends up making a comment about the mayor’s mother, which is a line you just don’t cross with the mayor. But the guy who owns the plastic factory doesn’t stop there. He even starts demanding a tax break for the factory. And when the mayor says that there’s no way in hell that he could sell a tax break to the town council or anyone else right now, but even if he could, he wouldn’t, the guy who owns the plastic factory says that the mayor is clearly unfit for office and needs to resign immediately. But when the mayor refuses, the guy who owns the plastic factory says that he wants to settle the dispute with a gunfight the next day at high noon. And the mayor, who’s been raring to go since the comment about his mother, gladly accepts the challenge.
10.
Normally, the fight would be held in the very center of town, right in front of town hall, but because of what’s going on with the deer, it’s determined that the fight will have to take place in the gym at the high school. The chief of police agrees to officiate, and the next day, before the fight begins, as the mayor sits by himself in one of the locker rooms at the high school and waits for the chief of police to tell him (the mayor) when it’s time to start, the mayor’s thinking about Tombstone. He’s definitely seen the movie. The guy who owns the plastic factory has gifted the mayor numerous copies over the years. The mayor is well aware that toward the end of the movie, when Wyatt Earp agrees to fight Johnny Ringo, a fight that Wyatt comes to believe he can’t win, although Doc Holliday acts like he’s too sick with tuberculosis to help Wyatt, Doc somehow gets to the location where the fight is supposed to take place before Wyatt, then fights and defeats Johnny. But the mayor isn’t thinking about how it’s kind of ironic that the guy who owns the plastic factory has always viewed him (the mayor) as Wyatt, and in the movie, when Wyatt is about to get himself killed by Johnny, Doc steps in. The mayor’s just thinking about how in Tombstone, the general consensus is that as a gunslinger, Doc Holliday is a force to be reckoned with. Johnny Ringo is the other badass gunslinger in the movie, and when Doc shows up to fight Johnny for Wyatt, even Johnny is reluctant to fight Doc. This is all to say that the mayor is feeling like he might have let his emotions get the better of him when he agreed to the fight. But as the mayor thinks about the movie, in particular, as the mayor thinks about Doc Holliday, it occurs to him that he’s not actually fighting Doc Holliday. He’s fighting the guy who owns the plastic factory, and when the mayor has this realization, he follows it to its logical conclusion: he could win the fight and put an end to this madness. He just has to draw quicker than the guy who owns the plastic factory. And in the fight, the mayor actually will draw quicker and shoot the guy who owns the plastic factory first. That won’t be the end of it though. The guy who owns the plastic factory will shoot the mayor back. Then, the mayor will shoot the guy who owns the plastic factory again, who in return will shoot the mayor again, and they’ll just keep shooting each other until their respective six-shooters are out of bullets. And once the shooting stops, they’ll both still be alive. So, even though the mayor doesn’t die, it’s not going to go super great. But as the mayor sits in the locker room beforehand, the important thing is that he’s going to fight the guy who owns the plastic factory, like really fight, like fight to win, and he’s going to keep fighting. The mayor has been sitting on a bench and slumping against one of the lockers, but he gets up and goes over to a full-length mirror that’s mounted to the wall. And as the mayor looks at himself in the mirror, he just starts practicing drawing his six-shooter.
Wayne McMahon’s fiction has previously appeared in Allium, Maudlin House, Juked, jmww, and elsewhere.