YOU’RE INVITED TO MY MENOPAUSE BALL by Susan Hatters Friedman

The Debut Ball for Invisibility

The family of _____________ (enter name of menopausal woman here) __  

request the honour of your company at the Menopause Ball, in honour of her 51st birthday, to celebrate the “next phase” of her life.

You attended her Debutante Ball when she was “coming out” to be pursued. Now, in Grandest Blue-Blood Tradition of the Magnificent Menopause Balls of yore—for the next rite of passage, she is “going back in.”

Help ___________ celebrate this glorious time in her life, when she no longer needs birth control, Tampax, or responses to cat-calls. Join us as we fondly bid farewell to her: endogenous estrogen production, waistline, vaginal moisture, memory, stable mood, body temperature control, restful nights, and hair (except for witchy black chin hairs).

Let’s bid adieu to her marriageable years and debut her ceremonial cloak to symbolise her invisibility! The invisibility cloak will render her invisible to men on the street, men at the grocery store when she needs something from a high shelf—and let’s face it—men in the bedroom. However, she will be valued for her wisdom… if anyone can figure out where exactly she is.

The Soirée will take place on: Friday the 13th at Five Thirty P.M. (Biological clocks are ticking!)

Location: Shangri-La Hotel Grand Ballroom

Attire: Formal. The guest of honour will wear a white gown (with no worries, the one positive!) 

____________ will be presented by two gentlemen, as is traditional for debut. Her escorts will be her husband _______ and Fireman Nathan (a.k.a. Mr. July in the Firefighter calendar—in case she experiences any hot flashes during the event). 

N.B. In order to best represent the climacteric, the ballroom’s thermostat will be going all over the place. If the guest-of-honour asks, “Is it hot in here,” please reply that it “must just be you” in the grandest party game tradition. 

The choreographed Climacteric Dance Finale will go all night—to symbolize difficulty sleeping.

With Music Including: “Hot Hot Hot” by the Cure

“The Heat is On” by Glenn Frey

“Ice-Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice

“The Heat of the Moment” by Asia

“Hot Blooded” by Foreigner

and “Some Like it Hot” followed by “I’ve Seen Better Days (and the Bottom Drops Out)…” by Citizen King

All the crème de la crème will be there. The glamourous few presiding over the event, chosen by Le Distinguished Committee, will include those actresses in their 50s who can somehow still play women in their 30s: Jennifer Aniston, Nicole Kidman, and Robin Wright.

With man-splaining speeches expected from ________________(the guy from work who shares tips for menopause from when his mom went through it).

Valet parking tickets will be validated by ______at the entrance. (Sometimes the guest of honour wishes she herself were a parking ticket.)

Gift bags upon departure will include fancy-fans, tweezers, vaginal jelly, hair dye, and eggshell calcium tablets (for the rest of your life).

R.S.V.P.: 

M___________________________

___ happily accepts

___ will be there in spirit

___ will be there in spirit, and realises that they will probably never again notice the newly-invisible guest of honour 


Susan Hatters Friedman is a psychiatrist specializing in forensic psychiatry and maternal mental health. She is pursuing a Master's in Crime Fiction at the University of Cambridge, and has studied satire writing with the Second City. Her recent creative writing can be read in Hobart, Eclectica, and JMWW.

Art by Crow Jonah Norlander.

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