At an early stage, this Sclerocephalus learned that it could make itself feel super good by straddling its capellini-like legs and gnawing hard on the edge of its “parent” volcanic rock’s micro-cratering.
A few million years later, it discovered that by rubbing a rain-slick banana leaf repeatedly across its primate groin for one eighth of one-degree quarter turns of the sun’s path, the pleasant sensation lasted for two sixths of one half eighth turn of the sun’s path.
A few hundred million years after that, it stuck a large turkey feather into a vial containing burnt bone grinds mixed with pitch. It learned that by artfully brushing the feather along a pressed sheet of wood pulp rendering quantities of goods (including slaves), The Empire expanded to new proportions, also becoming more amenable to a certain one god’s oneness.
At age two billion and one (while Mom was visiting on winter break) he accidentally left open the folder titled “new calculations” (which was nested into the folder “equations & formulas”) while he was taking a shower. Mom happened to stroll into his bedroom and counted twelve prostatic plexus vein boric acid self-infusion videos, seven anterior pudendal arterial ablation high-res pics, and five full-length films of him sensually posing in Late American Empire formal wear in different promote-me positions. When the shower faucet was suddenly shut off, Mom briskly closed the video program before slinking out of the room.
The two later had a relaxed and enjoyable lunch at the campus vegan collective.