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SPOKESPERSON FOR MELLINGER CO., LOS ANGELES, CALIF., DEPT. 54
Friends, you’ve heard me speak before in praise of Barns for Nobles. Well I’m no longer with that company. I’m here today to tell you about a new product I’m even more enthusiastic about called Count Branula. It’s a new cereal that tastes like bran. In fact I can’t even tell the difference.
THE EARLIEST SALADS
Probably the earliest salads were nothing more than some greens dumped in a bowl.
VASE
I was at Mom’s and I dropped this vase. I was upset cuz it was her favorite and there was no way to replace it. I remembered I was playing a record when I dropped it. So I just played the record backwards until the broken vase came together again on the floor and hopped up to my hands.
SIMPLER
What could be simpler than the gift of a solid gold baby?
STRAY DIALOGUE
A tooth fairy so much as touches my kid I’ll blow his head off.
MOSQUITO
Did you know that a mosquito in really bad storms can hang onto a raindrop and ride safely toward the ground?
A PLAY
“Do you want to give the babysitter a ride home, honey?”
“I let Freddie Kruger drive her home.”
“Oh, no!”
TOP TIP
I read somewhere that the female praying mantis always cannibalizes the head of her mate post-coitus. Take it from me, fellas, my wife tried this stunt when we were on our honeymoon and it seemed to take FOREVER!!
NEW YORKERS
New Yorkers have always had trouble with those idle low-lives called poor people. Ever since NYC was built, poor people have been plaguing it–sitting on park benches, buying fruits and vegetables from the farmers market & so on. You can hear them at night sometimes playing the piano.
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