MIKE TOPP by Mike Topp

MIKE TOPP by Mike Topp

TODAY 

Today a bully from my high school is coming by to beat me up one last time (he has cancer). 

 

AMERIKKKA

Of course Amerikkka leads the league in serial killers. There are a great many serial killers in town right now—because of NYC’s favorable tax laws and enterprise zones and the big serial killer parade we have every year, and because in a lot of our restaurants serial killers eat free.

 

A JOINER

Here’s something you might not have known about me: I was a joiner in high school. Carbona Club, Whip-Its Society, Nutmeg Club, Friends of Cough Syrup, Society of Huffers & Baggers, Air Dusters Club, United Helium Party, Poppers & Snappers Study Group—I did just about everything.

 

THE DARK WEB

Another strange aspect of the dark web is that some entrepreneurs have set up shops there. So you can stop and enjoy a hot dog. Or you can take a break at a little booth and get your photo taken with a monster (it’s really just a cardboard cutout, but it looks very real. And the teeth work).

 

PROVERB

Can’t have people looking up your cornhole. I think Benjamin Franklin was the first one to say that.

 

BEATLE

I’m told 60% of “A New Film About the New Beatles” had to be reshot because of me. Unfortunately, that was the end of my movie career. I checked around but nobody needed a Beatle right then, not even one with as much experience as I had. (I said I had a hundred years experience.)

 

JAIL

How did I end up in jail? When I got to Yuma I hadn’t slept in two weeks and hadn’t shaved or showered. My clothes smelled like farts and clams and were stiff from sweat and dirt. The police got dozens of calls claiming a caveman had just robbed the bank! I got a chuckle out of that one.

 

RSVP

Sadly, due to a bean diet and other environmental factors, I will be unable to attend.

 

THING

My hand starred in the TV show The Addams Family. Yes, it’s true, Warren Beatty was definitely up for the part of Thing but I eventually snagged the role. I did an excellent job in the macabre/black comedy sitcom and to this day it’s still considered the best TV show of all time.


Mike Topp was born in Washington, D.C., and currently lives in New York City unless he has died or moved. Recent publications include American Air (X-R-A-Y, 2024, with drawings by William Wegman) and The Frontier Index (Hanuman Editions, 2024, co-written with Raymond Pettibon with art by Pettibon). He is currently working on a zine with Raymond Pettibon called The Circle Club, to be published by Karma Publications.

Read Next: DAD FIGHTS by Matt Rowan