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STUFF YOUR FACE WITH SCOTT LAUDATI by Scott Laudati

A special offshoot of our Recommends series, where Scott Laudati enjoys the planet’s best foodstuffs and eateries.New York City, 2010. It’s a 24-hour city. Budweisers are $3. We complain about the rent but a one bedroom is $950. Something big is happening every night in Brooklyn. The So So Glos are playing in a loft and our friend Dasha knows the door code. The garment building hasn’t been annexed by Netflix yet, its basement is rented by an old Marxist who calls it “The CCCP Gallery” and Drew is having his art show there tomorrow. And most importantly, pizza, which we eat on the way into the party and then again on the way home, is $1.50 a slice, and every block has a lit storefront where men are stretching dough and spreading sauce until last call.This city does not exist anymore. I don’t know when exactly it happened. One day the bodega became a grocery store. Then it was demolished entirely and a one story building became a ten floor high rise. The Budweisers don’t come with a shot special anymore, they are just $7 now. And your friends, who you sat in parks with, helped move couches down impossible flights of stairs, they just disappear. Where did they go? Why didn’t anyone invite you? Suddenly you’re all alone with no friends, nowhere you can afford to drink, no galleries to just pop into on your way home, and you ask yourself, “Did I make it all up?”This is a New York City tale as old as time, though. It’s never been a place anyone stayed ’til the end. And if you’re the last one left it means you didn’t get the girl or the memo, and now you’re forty with roommates. But something is happening here that has never happened before. New York City is losing its pizza. It’s losing it to indifference, to age, to a change in taste, but mainly—it’s money. The landlords have chased out everything else that once made New York great, and now they’re coming for the pizza.Most people won’t care, because most people have terrible taste. You see, not all pizza is being targeted. Every day, in every former working class (ghetto) neighborhood, a small storefront transforms into a hipster-hell zone with pizza at its core, but you would never know that at first glance. Because you’d have to wade through the Japanese models who are never eating or doing anything really but getting their picture taken. Or the other influencers posing with whatever sets this pizza joint apart from the other one-hundred vaguely punk rock, sweaty, mandatory four-hundred pencil tattoos on the cook’s arms. And the gimmick always comes across like it was conceived in a boardroom. Like a cute cup of ice cream, or the merch that repurposes Basquiat’s crown in “fun” new ways. “Edginess.” “No conformity.” Somehow your slice is always charred. It takes twenty-five mins to come out because they have to grate fresh parmesan over one slice at a time. But you can get laid at this place. And a band in Ridgewood will eventually write a song about it. So if that’s your idea of a good time, rock ‘n’ roll. But it’s not my thing. I like real pizza. I like it served by two brothers who took over the business from dad and now their rent’s about to become unaffordable after sixty years. Or a brother yelling at his sister to hurry up with the cup of Coke she’s filling from an ancient soda fountain. He takes the soda, slides two slices over the counter to you, and says, “$6.” Nothing in this city has cost $6 in almost a decade. You can smell old New York emanating off the wood-paneled walls of these joints. The ingredients are always fresh. The pies haven’t been sitting around and getting reheated all day. A man who loved pizza founded this place with his family’s name, and he put his blood into it because as far back as his line went it was all leading to this, and now his children remember that legacy, the struggle, the commitment, what it took to put food onto their tables after grueling hours, and so they put their souls into it, and whether you show up on Monday at 11 a.m. or Saturday at 10 p.m. every slice has been made with the same care and pride.Here are my Top 3, gold-medal, all killer, Peoples’ Champ winners of Williamsburg: Tony’s Pizza (Graham Ave.)I wanted to start with my favorite. This is the place I walk my dog to. Somehow they’ve kept this small room looking exactly like the Italian restaurants you remember from your childhood. The ones you went to after basketball games when your coach was buying for the whole team. They’ve got the small tables with the red-checkered table cloth. The old-timers from the block drink espresso and dunk a biscotti in like it’s Pisan fondu. They look a little side-eyed when you walk in with a dog, because this is an old-school neighborhood, but they break when she jumps on them and looks for a pet. Two brothers run around doing the prep work, if you want to talk they stop and talk, they’re funny, they’re tough, and two very pretty girls take your order, pet your dog, and if you’ve said the right thing you might even get a wink and a smile as they hand you your plate. And this triangle that’s on the plate, it’s a Mona Lisa, it’s a hug from your mom, it’s perfect. It unravels in your mouth with each bite. It’s not just mozzarella, there’re hints of other cheeses, like parmesan, maybe pecorino, a sharp cheese but a subtle note, and little flakes of oregano to round it out. There’s good distance between the crust, the sauce, and the cheese. Light on the oil, no char. It’s a clean slice you can eat in front of someone and not need a napkin. A famous pizza critic gave this place a 7.9. Only someone from Boston would miss the subtleties that make this pizza exquisite. Tony’s gets a 9.5 every time. No debate.     Sal’s Pizza (Lorimer St.)Sal’s is pretty much the same vibe as Tony’s, and at $3.50 a slice, they’ve got a lock on the cheapest pizza in Williamsburg. There’s not as much in way of ambiance as Tony’s, but that’s not Sal’s fault. The stretch of Lorimer Street it’s been on for decades has flipped to the yuppies with expensive baby strollers, so there’re no Italians out front talking about the old days like Tony’s. But that’s okay because the pizza comes out quick, and when you take that first bite the cheese stretches out but snaps before it slops on your chin or shirt. And it’s a great slice. It’s so simple I feel stupid even writing about it. Sal found three things that can’t be improved when you put them together. The hipster spots will hire a guy on a unicycle to spread honey from an upstate bee farm on a slice and charge you $8 for it, and if you’re from the midwest you’ll be dazzled by the spectacle, and if you’re an idiot your brain will tell you it tastes better because you’ve got every color of the rainbow staring at you. But we need you to be better. We need you to realize a great song isn’t just an endless chorus. What makes it a piece of art is your need to return to it. Not just a box to check on your bucket list, but something to live with. To spend your days itching to go back again.  How can Sal’s charge so little for a slice and cover the rent? Well, luckily this ain’t Papa Johns, and the guy who owns Sal’s is usually behind the counter, so you can ask him these kinds of questions. “I bought the business from Sal a long time ago,” he says, “And Sal owned the building when he opened up.” Here we have the American Dream. A man who owes nothing to no one. A man who bet on himself and won. So now the prices don’t have to rise with inflation. The ingredients don’t have to take a hit to cover the bottom line. This is what we call a victory in the game of Capitalism. Sal’s gets a 9. I’ve never had a mediocre slice. Vinnie’s Pizza (Bedford Ave.)Vinnie’s is the correct way to bridge the old and whatever this nightmare is that’s happening now. It’s been on Bedford Ave. since 1960, but if I didn’t just tell you that you’d never guess it’s eligible for Social Security. Aside from the classic New York style pizza, the interior of Vinnie’s is a time capsule of the Williamsburg that existed when I moved here, when it was more like the Lower East Side and less like a tech-boy playground. Street art and pizza paintings decorate the walls, a thousand band stickers are on the door, and a Ninja Turtles bench out front brings a smile to the face of everyone born in the mid-’80s. There’s a body type I associate with Vinnie’s that I never even see here anymore—a fat dude in skinny jeans, in a tight band shirt with a balding head and big full red beard. Does that make sense? It’s punk rock but I can’t really tell you why. Maybe it’s because I ran into Andrew W.K. there once at 2 a.m. Vinnie’s has none of the Italian thing that I usually require with my food. This should be a deal-breaker, especially where I’m from. We require authenticity here in New York above everything else, but there’s this ability skateboarders and artists and punks and trans kids have when they find a neighborhood that’s been abused and neglected by time. They take all the influences, the blank spaces, the garbage, the possibility of redemption, and through raw power they build their own thing, and this hustle brings a level of cool that supersedes any idea of what a neighborhood or restaurant is “supposed to be.” This is Vinnie’s. It’s the original punk rock pizza of Williamsburg, on a block that less than two decades ago was the raddest place in New York. And though it’s become one of the most expensive pieces of real estate on earth, Vinnie’s is actually still pretty close to the roots. A slice is less than $4. It tastes exactly like a slice of pizza should. It’s like a Budweiser. It’s consistent every time. There are no frills. It’s just awesome tangy cheese over a sweet sauce. And it’s open late. Fun fact, last time I was there Kieren Culkin was dragging a kid and a kid’s basketball hoop angrily past the Ninja Turtles bench looking like every choice he’d ever made was the wrong one. I’ve also seen Rosamund Pike on that corner as well as Michael Cera, Nas, Sean Penn, and Willa Ferryra. If you’re visiting, grab a slice at Vinnie’s and sit on that Ninja Turtles bench. You’ll see someone.
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AN EXCERPT FROM ‘AMERICAN LIT’ by Jennifer Greidus

While Ollie and I get stoned in his car every morning before school, I use my phone to take online career quizzes. I think in reverse, responding as I believe Mr. Stewart would. My mission is to find the amalgam of answers that triggers the “teacher” verdict. Only then will I know everything to say and do around him. My favorite quiz—and the most thorough—was created by an Ivy League school to assist its undergrads. I log into that one about once a day. Among others, my hypothetical responses produced these career options: CPA, correctional officer, lawyer, architect, and copy editor. What a prospective correctional officer would be doing attending that school is beyond me. In any case, I have yet to see “twelfth-grade AP English teacher” pop up as the answer. Always grumpy before the first bell of the day, Ollie broods and smokes between bites of a fast-food breakfast burrito. If I bother him with a question or to tell him he’s dropped some hot sauce on his car’s cheap upholstery, all I get are grunts or lazy hand signals; so, lately, I’ve been focusing on these quizzes. You read the instructions before beginning any assembly. Yes. You avoid arguing, even when you know you are right. No. You always let someone know if she has a crumb on her face. Yes.You are usually patient when someone is late to an appointment with you. No. You don’t mind getting your hands dirty. No idea. That last one gets me every time. It might be the one that fucks up the algorithm. During each class, if only for ten or our allotted forty-two minutes, Mr. Stewart, the thirty-something academic genius who corrects me with a verbal whip whenever I say which instead of that, lectures from a post directly in front of my desk. The twenty square inches of zipper and fabric and subtle bumps and lumps inside his pants leave me overheated and dimwitted. If he’s speaking, I don’t know it. My interest lies only in his stretched fly, an ass of granite, and a minimalist leather belt that ties it all together. Never has a single crease spoiled the light starch of his fitted dress shirts. His monthly haircut ensures every deep-brown strand is in place. Premature crow’s feet appear when he squints or graces me with one of his infrequent smiles. From afar, I’d look twice. From this close, I can’t look away. “Dan.” Ollie tosses a wad of paper at my cheek. “Knock it off. You’re sucking your pen like a dick.” Mr. Stewart’s head jerks in our direction. “Daniel. Oliver. I can only imagine you’re interrupting me because you have a question. Otherwise—” “Hey, Mr. Stewart, I have a question.” Ollie and I both look to the right at Jesse, who yawns, his hand half-raised with an index finger pointed at our teacher. He wears the same jeans, hoodies, and T-shirts, sometimes three days in a row. He’s consistently stoned, and he always has a fucking question. “Says here,” Jesse announces, “Mr. Hart Crane got drunk and fell off a boat.” He taps his thumb against the back pages of the poetry anthology we’ve been reading. Mr. Stewart stares him down. “What’s your question, Jesse?” “Well, yeah,” he continues, slowly flipping one of his shoes onto its side with the big toe of a socked foot, “the bios are more interesting than the poems. Can we read those first?” “We can,” Mr. Stewart says, “but we will not.”Mr. Stewart believes grammar should be everyone’s thing. When I think about him, I think, me and him, him and I, he and I, fuck it, forget it. He enjoys saying, “I do not understand why, on the verge of adulthood, none of you knows how to put together a sentence.” There’s more to him than his obsession with grammar. We’ve spent a couple months in brief, after-class conversations concerning my future and books. We talk about tennis. Despite playing hungover, disliking the drills, and hating the parts where I need to run, I’m good at it. Most days, he asks me, “Daniel, how did you fare at tennis practice yesterday?” And I always blather, “Good. Pretty good. Really good.” It’s tough gawking at a stashed but still conspicuous penis for almost an hour and then trying to keep pace in conversation with its owner after the bell. All I want to do this year is have sex with him. It is my single goal. With a speck of effort, I’ll conquer tennis at my club and on my school team, keep one sober eye on my handpicked senior schedule, and slide into one of the two schools of my choice in autumn. Having Mr. Stewart will be the sweetener. Audacity has been my stratagem for months—I’ve even flustered him a few times—but aside from some sideways glances and closed-lipped smiles, the flirting is meager, as difficult as trying to budge a piano with my pinkie. After class, Ollie jostles me and kicks my shin. “Move it. You’re like a girl with him.” At six-foot-three, Ollie’s body eclipses mine by four inches and forty pounds, and I take a second to regain composure before he shoves me again. “Why can’t you want the corduroy Chemistry guy? The one with the brown fingernails? English teacher. Such a cliché, man.” Right on time, Mr. Stewart looks my way. “Daniel? A word.” “Unbelievable.” Ollie snorts. “He asks you to stay like every day now. Hurry up.” Ollie heads for the exit as I pack up and amble to my teacher’s desk. Rather than acknowledge me, Mr. Stewart contemplates whatever’s on his laptop. I’m used to this delay; the silence Mr. Stewart and I share while I wait is the preamble to these afternoon one-acts. At the beginning of the year, I would fidget and cough, uncertain if I should speak while he wordlessly tidied his desk or erased the whiteboard. Now I wait calmly and open a bag of homemade turkey jerky from my pocket. Drying meat on a rack for eight hours on a Sunday is the only way my mom knows how to show me she cares. Other than this gift economy, we are no more than roommates. Mr. Stewart remains seated, and, as always, I stand across from him, the width of the desk keeping him three feet out of my reach. As I chew the dried meat, the aroma of the chalky cinnamon candies he enjoys hits me. I confuse his hold-on-a-moment smile for a speak-your-mind smile and forge ahead. “Great suit today.” He lifts his eyes. “How was tennis practice yesterday?” “You know,” I say, “instead of asking me all the time, you could come. See for yourself. Nobody else does.” “Your parents don’t go?” The wheels of his chair squeak as he pushes back from the desk. He places both hands behind his head, stretching and expanding his chest until the shirt might as well be skin. “My mother’s in a world of her own, and my father—” I am distracted when he crosses his legs, resting an ankle on his knee. The landscape is crotch, all the crotch I could want. I force myself to look at his face. “And my father’s dead.” “Oh.” His hands drop to his lap. “I’m sorry. I didn’t—” My one-knuckled knock against his desk shuts him up. “Anyway. I only play tennis because he wanted me to stick with it. That and a partial scholarship. Really, I just want to sit around at home without pants, but it seems wrong to ditch it now.” “May I ask how he died?” I tear at some more jerky with my teeth, and, as I’ve done every one of the last five-hundred times someone’s asked me that, I grunt and huff. A crumb of jerky falls to his desk. When he winces at the morsel, I swipe it to the floor with my thumb. The smudge from my thumb causes a more pronounced wince, which I ignore. “Everyone knows how he died. Shot? Three years ago? Remember that?” “That’s—you’re that Daniel.” He sucks in a quick breath through pursed lips. “I apologize for being indelicate. Why have you never told me?” I glance to the right as kids in the hallway rush past his open door. “It didn’t come up.” “It must have,” he insists, resting his elbows on his desk and craning his neck toward me, as if he’s inviting me to tell him a secret. I hope to put him onto the scent of a new topic. “So, what have you been reading lately?” He drums his fingers on the desk, holding tight to the matter while pondering how he missed that gruesome part of my biography. “What about your mother? She can’t manage to support you at a few matches?” My mother can’t manage much, except boyfriends, and barely even that. “My mom and I have this unspoken arrangement that lets us have almost nothing to do with each other.” I hold up the plastic bag stuffed with jerky. “But she does make me this. So, you know, not all bad.” The crow’s feet deepen with concern. “You understand you can talk to me about it anytime, right?” “That is never going to happen. No offense.” I’d rather not add my desire for Mr. Stewart to the existing tangled knot of emotions about my dad. For the past three years, I’ve chosen only guys who are nothing like my father. There’s complicated shit there—I know it—and I’ll save it for my twenties. “I understand,” Mr. Stewart says and opens his middle drawer. “On a lighter note, I brought you a book.” He produces an inch thick paperback, pristine, black with cubes of primary colors on its cover. “Please. Take it.” When I hesitate, eyeing it like it might be homework, he shakes it once. “Take it. If you like Wilde, you’ll like this.” With a tilt of my head, I acknowledge what we must both know: Oscar Wilde is the gateway drug to the entire gay canon. Although we talk about literature a lot, this is the first time he’s given me something specific and extracurricular to read. I finger the edges of the book. “Who’s Joe Orton?” “Playwright. Give it a try. Let me know what you think.” He lifts his laptop bag onto his desk, slips a hand into the side pocket, and comes up with a new tin of cinnamon candies. His manicured nails work open the plastic at its corner. I quickly check out my hands. They are dirty and rough, the left one scarred from a battle I had with Ollie in fourth grade; he jammed a ballpoint into the meaty flesh between my thumb and forefinger, all over a bike. “So,” I say, slapping the book against my palm, “is this toilet reading or bedtime reading?” The corner of his mouth twitches, as it does when he refuses to laugh, despite his obvious amusement. I suspect he wants to maintain a humorless teacher-pupil dynamic. This time, he gives in to a brief smile. “Daniel, I have to ask. Are you high right now?” “Nope.” I am. “Just the same, some advice is in order. Use Visine. Get your hair out of your eyes. And whose shirt is that you’re wearing? Who is Greg? Have you absconded with his work shirt? Is Greg a plumber?” I touch the patch on my shirt as if this mysterious plumber is close to my heart. First, I know I’m not going to get eye drops; I’ve long since passed giving a shit if I seem baked. Second, it’s been a few days since I looked in the mirror, and fuck that anyway. Last, this shirt has been my wingman so many times, I owe it a hand job. “Mr. Stewart, do you run?” “Why do you ask?” “Because your body looks like you run.” The muscles of his jaw must ache from all the clenching he’s doing right now. “Tenth period is calling you.” Students for his next class have begun to file in. I grin and turn on my heel. I’m not a foot out of the classroom before Ollie snatches my sleeve and drags me down the hallway. “You sounded like an asshole. Why don’t you spend your time on something that can actually go somewhere?”
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CLUSTER by Katherine Plumhoff

People say they see their dead moms in blue jays and buttercups, robins and rhododendrons, but mine told me she’d never come back as something so abominably dull, and to keep an eye out for spiders. It’s a bright spring day and mown grass, cut by a neighbor, foams at the edges of the yard like a fresh-pulled pint. I am crouched in the corner of the patio, sifting through a 50L sack of soil that’s been slumped here since she lost the strength to stand. Digging for arachnids and coming up short. Two trowels deep. Late and making us later.I’ve found roly polies by the fistful. Swarms of soil mites piled up like tiny sacs of tears. I’m building a pyre of dead wasps, their crumpled yellow-banded bodies curled around their stingers. They can no longer hurt me but I’m careful not to touch them, scooping them up with a dirt-lined plastic pot because I’m up to my eyes in hurt and I don’t think I could take another sting.“Laura, honey, the service is about to start,” calls my mom’s boyfriend Ritchie, “we gotta go.” I dig faster, abandoning the trowels and clawing holes with my hands. Tiny white perlite balls get caught under my nails. Clumps of dirt cling to the black wool of my skirt. There — I win — I’ve found her — a whole knot of spiders, an entire family, a teeming cluster crawling madly back into the damp dark of the bag. I lift them out, cradle them in my hand like I’m holding a blessing, and shout, “Okay, Richie, I’m ready," then whisper, “Good to see you, Mom. Stay a while.”
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HUNTING & GATHERING by Keely Curttright

Margot is a speck of red in her bright winter coat, scurrying up the cracked and litter-strewn sidewalk, her mousy brown hair a sad pinprick at the center of this speck and her breath a puff of vapor before her. This is, at least, how she envisions herself. She rarely leaves the apartment anymore, but when she does, she finds herself imagining her appearance, always as something unsuspecting and insignificant. She has tried to give up this habit but can’t help herself. A bug-eyed pigeon hops across the sidewalk and pecks at a discarded bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. As Margot passes, it removes its head from the bag and eyes her suspiciously. Margot stuffs her hands deeper into her coat pockets. Her right hand curls around a folded piece of scrap paper, which contains a list of everything she and her boyfriend Louis need for that evening and the coming week.Grocery shopping gives Margot a sense of purpose, a destination, something to talk about when Louis returns from work and asks what she has been up to all day. It also serves as an excuse to put off doing the things she is supposed to do: practice piano, call her grandfather, apply for open positions in her field, tasks that have become both unthinkable and unavoidable during the hours she spends alone in their apartment, collecting unemployment checks.This evening, Haley and Shane, their downstairs neighbors, are coming over for dinner, a plan that makes Margot feel decidedly adult. Louis and Shane often run into each other in the hallway heading to and from work, their months of friendly interactions always punctuated by the suggestion that they get together soon. Margot’s encounters with the couple have been mostly one-sided: their dog barking in response to her footsteps on the basement stairs as she carries down a load of laundry, and the muffled sound of their voices seeping through the floorboards. While moving damp clothing from the washer to the dryer, Margot once heard them arguing, voices raised and easier to discern. “We’ve gone over this so many times,” Haley said. Margot moved the laundry along quickly and made her way back up the steps without lingering long enough to determine what the fight was about. Shane had invited Louis and Margot over for dinner the week prior. Their apartment was furnished with the previous tenant's lumpy red couch, stacks of books, thrifted paintings, mismatched wooden dining chairs, and other second-hand items that gave the impression of history and warmth. It felt like they had always lived there.Margot approaches the intersection across from the store. As she waits for the light to change, she watches the cars speed by, the faces inside blurred and briefly visible, none of them bothering to look out at her. The light turns red, and one car hurtles through the intersection. The rest slow to a crawl, and she cautiously makes her way across the crosswalk’s staggered white lines.Inside the store, she picks up a shopping basket. A wet coupon papers the bottom, and produce stickers adhere to the sides. She walks towards the produce section in want of strawberries, pears, a lemon and fresh herbs. In the grocery store, Margot gravitates towards the things she wants with ease. She picks up several containers of strawberries, examining the bottoms for mold and rotting juice, and places the freshest one in the bottom of her basket. Over the course of the past few months, she has come to find that grocery stores imbue her with a sense of calm that little else has since she lost her job. The towering supplies of neatly stacked cans, brightly colored boxes, and fresh produce evoke a feeling of orderliness, endlessness, and preparation. Consumed by these feelings, she often leaves the store with the odd additional item. Several months ago, she picked up a sack of flour, for which she had no use, only the inclination that she needed to be prepared.A mist settles over the broccoli, condensing into small droplets of water between each of the individual florets. She shakes two heads of broccoli and bags them. The parsley and cilantro are sopping wet. She picks off several stalks of each with browned, slimy leaves before bagging the remaining green, intact bunches. She moves, transfixed, from one fresh green thing to another until everything has been crossed off her list.Her basket weighs heavy, and she sets it on the floor as she waits in the checkout line, kicking it forward as the line moves every so often. It extends down the aisle, past the candy and the granola bars back to the breakfast cereal and maple syrup. It is the only open checkout lane in the entire store.The woman in front of her pushes a cart filled to the brim with everything from hamburger buns to low-fat ice cream sandwiches that will surely melt by the time she reaches the cashier. Margot appraises her own basket, free of frozen items, in a self-congratulatory fashion. She has gotten better at this at least, she thinks. She is improving.She and Louis have lived together for six months, and she thought that she would be used to it by now. She thought she would ease into the bliss of domesticity. Instead, she has become debilitatingly aware of herself. When Louis is home, she second-guesses her every move, concerned about whether she is reading often enough to appear interesting, concerned about how her skin looks each night after she has removed her makeup, and whether Louis is sick of eating the three things she knows how to make for dinner. All her actions feel heightened in his presence, on display. Tonight, Margot plans on making falafel and pita sandwiches for dinner, which she has made too few times to count among the recipes she is least likely to botch. She wonders if she should pick up an extra can of chickpeas but decides it is probably too late. Nearly at the front of the line, she watches the woman with the crowded shopping cart place her items on the checkout conveyor belt. The box of Nestle low-fat ice cream sandwiches perspires. The hamburger buns are squished, frowning faces.Margot emerges from the grocery store, the automatic doors parting slowly before her, her armpits sweating. Her big red coat protects her from the welts that would otherwise form on her shoulder from the weight of her over-packed shopping bags. She maneuvers herself between the barricades intended to prevent shopping cart theft, trying not to crush the produce.When Margot looks up, she sees it for the first time, its back turned to her. The strap on one of her bags slips from her shoulder. The hawk angles its body to ensure there is no visible threat from the opposite direction. Its yellow eyes stare unblinkingly, and it arches its wings back, spreading them casually, as if to remind her of its size. The hawk sits atop a dead pigeon with ruffled oil-slick feathers and one beady eye still open. Dried blood coats the feathers around the pigeon's neck. The hawk eyes Margot sharply, as if to say, this is my dead pigeon. As if it believes Margot might tear the pigeon from its talons, stuff it in with her groceries and make off with it. The hawk blinks but maintains its gaze, watching Margot with a ferocity so foreign that she feels almost ashamed. She remembers for a moment what it is like to want something with such conviction. Margot pulls the strap of her tote back over her shoulder. She scurries through the parking lot, eyes averted, realizing that she has forgotten the almond milk. Glancing back toward the store, she sees the hawk’s beak deep in the pigeon’s neck, its body torn in an unceremonious fashion. All that remains is a head, a gaping red tangle of innards and some stray feathers. The hawk lifts its head to regard Margot, blood dripping from its beak. Its wings flinch, threatening to take flight.Margot rushes home, keeping a brisk pace, and, for the first time in recent memory, paying absolutely no mind to her own appearance. The sound of beating wings follows her. Wisps of hair are matted to her forehead. She stops at the crosswalk, waiting for the light to change, but her insides remain frenzied, churning, in perpetual motion. She is repulsed by her own scent.She enters the building, locking the vestibule door behind her and checking it twice, as if the hawk might open the door and follow her. She laughs and shakes her head, trying to clear her thoughts. She makes her way up the three flights of stairs to their apartment, her grocery bags jostling against the walls and stair-rail, then slips her key into the deadbolt and pulls it back out the slightest bit before turning it. The lock on their door is temperamental, and Margot finds herself at odds with it more often than not.She enters the apartment and pauses long enough to observe the tell-tale signs of Louis’s early arrival home from work: his bag and shoes discarded hastily by the door, the faint hum of the television in the living room. Margot, at once, feels comforted and resentful, her precious alone time cut short. She endeavors to extend it a bit longer by going unnoticed, quietly moving throughout the kitchen, gently opening and closing the refrigerator and cabinet doors, putting each item in place.She removes her coat, and the acrid smell of her body overwhelms her. She puts her coat back on and smooths her tangled hair with both hands then walks into the living room.“I thought I heard you!” Louis grins.Margot perches self-consciously on the coffee table. “You’re home early.” “My boss said I could leave after I closed our last ticket.” “Any particularly bad ones today?”“The usual. Manager insists their computer isn’t working, but they just forgot to turn the monitor on. Another employee wants me to reset their login information for the third time this week.” He rolls his eyes. “I guess I should be thankful nothing exciting happened.”Louis turns his attention back to the television, where a nature documentary plays quietly, something about the strange and colorful birds of the rainforest. Louis pats the space beside him on the couch. Margot hesitates for a moment, watching the bird on the screen perform an elaborate courtship ritual. The bird opens his neon yellow mouth to screech, fans out his black neck feathers, and reveals his shimmering turquoise chest. He hops around the unsuspecting female, distinguished by her dull coloring. “A little too much for my taste,” Margot says. She relents and sits next to Louis, the full weight of her body, winter coat and all, sinking into the couch.“Thank god. I don’t think I could pull that off.” Louis’s eyes remain fixed on the television, and his voice sounds far away like it often does at the end of a long work week. The documentary moves on to another bird with flame-like feathers. Louis begins reading an article on his phone. “So. I'm being hunted," Margot says matter-of-factly.   "By what, may I ask?" Louis returns to her, his face suddenly serious, his eyes searching and concerned. He has always been good at playing along. He understands her in this way at least, which is what Margot loves about him.She widens her eyes and exhales slowly, performatively. "A hawk."Louis's features take on an exaggerated quality, certain, now, that this is a game. He gets up and walks to the window. His body is lean, his hair dark and messy. He runs a hand through it, deep in thought. Margot joins him by the window, looking out at the vacant lot adjacent to their building. In the warmer months, it is overgrown in an otherworldly way. Weeds appear prehistoric, stretching several feet up into the air with leaves the size of Margot's head. Their living room windows provide a spectacularly close-up view of the trees’ tangled branches and the squirrels and birds that occupy them. However, at this particular moment, the tree closest to them is uncharacteristically quiet. Margot follows Louis's gaze toward the tree at the back of the lot. Between two of the branches, Margot discerns the outline of a rigid and imposing creature. The markings are similar to those of the one she saw earlier, a brown and white mottled pattern on its chest and deeper brown on the wings and head. Margot recognizes its penetrating gaze.Louis turns to her. "So this guy’s more your type?" His eyes sparkle with a playful quality that suggests he believes the hawk’s presence to be a mere coincidence.The hawk's head rotates, as if beyond its own control. A squirrel climbs up the neighboring tree in a frenzy. The hawk spreads its wings ever so slightly and hops down, one branch closer. The squirrel pauses, its tail twitching spastically, the rest of its body unmoving. The hawk dives quickly, extends its legs, and collects the squirrel with its talons. Margot and Louis watch the entire thing."Poor squirrel," says Louis.Margot nods, watching the branches from which the hawk dove tremble. The vacant lot breathes a sigh of relief, a feeling that eludes her.Louis stretches his arms above his head and yawns. “I should get cleaned up.” He walks off toward the bathroom. Margot lingers by the window for a moment before making her way back to the bedroom. She can hear the shower running in the bathroom. She sheds her coat and peels off her turtleneck, balls it up, and uses it to wipe her underarms before applying an extra layer of deodorant. The floral scent of the deodorant mixes with the sour scent of her body. She pulls on a fresh t-shirt and brushes her hair back into a ponytail then steps back to assess herself in the mirror. Her reflection looks presentable but unfamiliar. She doesn’t recognize this girl with her hair up and face flushed.She pulls the soaked chickpeas and fresh herbs from the fridge and lines them up next to the onion, garlic, and spices on the counter. She disregards the step ladder in the corner and climbs atop the counter, stretching to reach the food processor stored above the cabinets. Balancing the processor in one hand, she uses the other to steady herself as she descends. She wobbles. Her wrist bends awkwardly, and the food processor falls, sending its lid and sharp innards skittering across the kitchen floor. Margot slides off the counter and exhales sharply before collecting the lid and blades, which she washes carefully in the sink. She tries to move slowly and deliberately. The shower turns off, and Louis yells from the bathroom, “Everything alright out there?” “All good!” Margot reassembles the food processor. She drains the chickpeas and adds them to the processor’s bowl. She roughly chops the herbs and onion, wielding her largest kitchen knife with trepidation. It feels as if everything in the kitchen has turned against her, poised to fall, break, and slice at will. The parsley and cilantro stain the cutting board green. She adds them to the food processor along with the onion, spices, baking soda and chickpea flour, then presses the pulse button repeatedly and watches as the ingredients crumble violently. She spoons the green, grainy blend into a bowl and places it in the fridge. Margot allows herself a glance out the kitchen window, which has a more limited view of the lot. The outer pane is caked with unreachable dust and debris, but she can see that the trees are still. She feels that she is not alone. She turns back to the counter and begins to take the food processor apart to wash in the sink. She scrubs and rinses out the lid with warm soapy water then picks up the blade. Something bumps into her from behind. “Sorry, coming through!” Louis pulls open the refrigerator door and grabs the water pitcher. He reaches above Margot’s head to open the cabinet containing their chipped and cloudy glassware. Margot looks down at her hand. Her thumb is bleeding. The red runs over her hand and dilutes with the warm water.“Jesus, Margot.” Louis places the pitcher and glass on the counter, takes the blade from her hand and sets it down in the sink. He moves her hand under the faucet, and the sting of the cut wanes. The water rushes over her thumb, leaving a clean, precise line. “It’s nothing,” she says. She pulls her hand back from the faucet, and the sting returns. “Could you just grab a couple band aids?”“Of course.” Louis rushes off to the bathroom and returns with the first aid kit. He rifles through it, finding only band aids that are either too big or small. He pulls out a roll of gauze and tape, which seems quaint to Margot. “This might actually work better.”Margot holds her bleeding thumb out, and he winds the gauze around it several times then secures it with the tape. “Good as new,” Margot says. She gives Louis a thumbs up. “I’m so sorry,” he says. “Not your fault. I was the one holding a blade and not paying attention.” “Can I do anything else?”“Don’t worry about it, really.” Margot scrubs and rinses off the blade. “There’s not enough room in here for two.”“I guess you could say that.” Louis smiles weakly. “If you need me, I’ll be in the living room, okay?”“Okay!” Margot lines up the hummus ingredients in front of the reassembled food processor, falling back into the rhythm of preparing dinner. She watches once again as the hummus ingredients break down and fold into one another, becoming something new and more uniform in color.  The falafel is frying when Margot hears a faint knock on the apartment door. She spoons the falafel balls from the pan to a plate. Louis rushes through the kitchen towards the door. "I'll get it!"Shane and Haley enter, their faces reddened and chapped from the cold. "Sorry we're late. We were on the porch and lost track of time.” "A hawk's been circling the building,” Shane adds. Louis takes their coats and hangs them up then leads them over to the living room. Margot removes the falafel from the pot of oil on the stove, placing them one by one on a paper towel."A cooper's hawk," Shane says. "I grew up on a farm outside the city. We’d see them all the time. Every so often we'd lose a chicken.""Awful." Haley shakes her head and looks down. Curly brown hair falls over her face."We saw it hunt a squirrel earlier actually," Louis says."I never actually saw one kill a chicken, but the thought really got to me.""There's something so unnatural about a bird hunting another bird," Haley says.The room is quiet when Margot enters with the plate of falafel. She sets it down on the small dining table next to the hummus, cucumber salad, and pickled red onions. The plates are all mismatched, a collection of both Margot and Louis's scratched and worn dinnerware accumulated throughout college. The table is wobbly and made from medium-density fiberboard, used primarily as a surface for storing Margot’s untouched keyboard piano or for playing the occasional board game. Even Shane and Haley's apartment full of hand-me-downs had a dining table with four chairs.Louis cranes his neck to peer out the window. "Looks like he's heading out now.""She," Shane corrects. "The big ones are the females actually."Margot feels a sudden tenderness for the hawk. While Louis, Shane, and Haley fill up their plates, she gazes at the tree at the back of the lot. The sun must have set while she was making dinner, making it difficult to see anything at all, but the lot appears empty. She feels no relief, only disappointment. She continues to watch the window, observing her own reflection, faint and ghostly, everything about her wavering and illuminated by the overhead light. There is a spot of grease on her shirt."Thank you, Margot," Haley says and Shane echoes.Louis approaches and puts his hand on her shoulder. "Sorry your friend didn't stick around."Margot attempts to rearrange her features into what she hopes is a pleasant expression, turns around and shrugs. "I don't think I prepared enough vermin to feed five anyways.” Louis laughs, and Margot feels the rush of gratification she always does when she manages to make him laugh. He moves back over towards his chair with his plate, and Margot makes her way over to the table where she half-heartedly assembles a falafel wrap. After spending an hour or two preparing a meal, she often finds herself uninterested in eating it."These are really good," Shane says. He takes another bite of his wrap, already nearly gone, and wipes the corner of his mouth with the back of his hand. Despite being several years older than Margot, he has a disarmingly boyish quality that reminds her of her younger brother."Did you make all of this from scratch?" Haley asks. Her legs are crossed, her plate resting on top of them. Her voice is quiet and gentle. Margot allows herself to feel proud for a moment. "I did." She had never prepared a meal for someone else, much less enjoyed doing so, until she started dating Louis. "Hummus is easy. The falafel isn't even that difficult to make. It's really just frying it that I'm not so great at.""Don't take this the wrong way," Louis starts. "But I think these are even better than the other time you made them. They're crispier on the outside."Margot can't help but take it the wrong way for just a moment. "It takes me months to really get any recipe down," Haley jumps in. "Of course it only takes Shane one or two tries.""Only because it's my job." Shane works as a line cook at an upscale restaurant downtown."Does one of you usually do the cooking, or do you split it up?" Margot asks. Shane and Haley look at each other and laugh. "I'd like to say it's an even split, but I know Haley ends up doing most of it either because she's on her own at home or it's the last thing I want to do when I’m home from work.""You used to enjoy it, though, before you started working as a cook?" Louis asks. He puts his arm around Margot, who briefly appreciates the gesture before feeling stifled, incapable of getting up off the couch to add more to her plate or grab another drink without appearing cold and dismissive. Half of her sandwich remains on her plate, and her glass is nearly completely full. "Oh, yeah," Shane says. "I loved it before, even as a kid. My brothers would make fun of me for wanting to stay inside with my mom and help with dinner. At first, it was just a way to avoid working outside, and then I really fell in love with it. You know, spending an hour or so preparing the different parts of the meal, watching it come together, and then the satisfaction of watching everyone enjoy it.""Cooking a meal for someone else does feel special," Haley says. "I'm not nearly as creative or thoughtful with the things I make when you're not home."Margot thinks of all the times she has tried to make something new for dinner, something she thinks that Louis will like. She recalls all the burnt and undercooked and oversalted and underripe portions of meals that she has reserved for her own plate, wanting Louis to have the best. The secrecy of it brings her a bit of joy. There are some tender acts that it would feel shameful, even false, to bring attention to. "I know I don't cook as often as you, but the few times I have, I did find myself thinking, okay, I get what people find rewarding about cooking and sharing a meal with someone you love." He glances at Margot with a look of such complete tenderness that she averts her eyes. It is as if a small helpless creature has rolled over before her, exposing its soft, pink underbelly. She places her hand in Louis's free hand, the one not around her shoulder, and squeezes it, unsure what this gesture means even to her."Anyone want anything else to drink?" she asks, already drifting toward the kitchen.Louis says something, but she isn't paying attention. She grabs two seltzers and a lime from the refrigerator, then places them on the few inches of available counter space. She sets the lime on the cutting board and turns to grab a clean, though blunt, knife from the silverware drawer. She looks out through the small and grimy kitchen window. The vacant lot is illuminated by the harsh outdoor light of the house on the opposite side, which reflects off the fresh snow on the ground. Against the stark white of the snow, a stain appears red and bright and mesmerizing. Margot moves closer to the window, her nose nearly pressed up against the glass. At the center of this stain, Margot discerns something resembling a head with large, protruding ears, the upper half of a small mammal’s body, and spilling out from it, pink sinewy innards. The head is small and round, turned unnaturally.Margot feels ill with excitement. She has a sudden urge to rush outside, stand beside this strange offering, and look up at the trees with arms outstretched. Instead, she fills two glasses with ice and seltzer, tops them off with slices of lime, and walks back to the living room. She does not mention the rabbit to their guests. She does not even mention it to Louis after Shane and Haley leave. She sleeps dreamlessly and wakes early the next morning as the sun rises. She pushes back the covers, careful not to disturb Louis. Sleep softens his features. Awake, his face is dynamic: brows raised, eyes sparkling, the corners of his mouth upturned, always on the verge of breaking into a sly grin. Now, with his eyes closed and his lips slightly parted, he appears defenseless. Standing in the doorway, Margot feels as if she has intruded on a private, sacred moment, something belonging to Louis alone. She resists the urge to avert her eyes. Louis rolls over, and she sees that his cheek bears the imprint of their wrinkled sheets. Involuntarily, she steps back toward the bed, places her uninjured hand on his cheek and kisses his head lightly. He stirs, and she feels guilty about sneaking out, even though it’s only to the lot next door. Margot tiptoes to the living room. Outside the window, the sun pushes itself up over the horizon, igniting the sky. Briefly, the leafless trees in the vacant lot appear to be on fire. Some of the snow has melted, but Margot can still make out the muddied red patch at the far end of the lot. She pulls her winter coat over her pajamas and grabs the closest pair of shoes she can find, Louis’s sneakers. Her hair is unbrushed, and she doesn’t stop to check her reflection in the mirror on the way out. Heading down the stairs, she nearly trips over her own feet.The city thaws around her. Rock salt covers the sidewalk, and what was once pure and wondrous turns to gray slush. A discarded candy wrapper peeks out from a pile of shoveled snow. She cuts across the lot. The rabbit is gone. A few tufts of brown fur remain. Margot exhales, and her breath, stale with sleep, clouds the air around her. She steps back towards the apartment building, dead leaves crunching beneath Louis’s shoes. In the periphery of her vision, she senses movement. Turning slightly, she looks at the sharp, bare branches of the tree above her. The hawk is perched on one of the lower branches. It cranes its neck downward, yellow eyes fixed on Margot. She is close enough to see its downy chest feathers. The hawk’s features appear smaller and gentler, its eyes round and attentive. She notices that the feathers on its chin are completely white. The hawk feels like something she could reach out and touch.The hawk opens its beak and emits a piercing series of cries that settle into the air. It arches its wings back and out, nearly doubling in size. It pushes off from the tree, wings completely outstretched, and cries once more before swooping downwards with its legs extended, talons poised to grasp. Margot stands taller, locked in place, her eyes closed. Above, she feels the steady, rhythmic beating of its wings. She is ready—to be touched, to be eaten, to be seen. 
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IDLE ANIMATION by Ryan Petersen

I made sure never to start the day. Abstained from True Conscious Hours. And yet, somehow, it went on without me. The sweat underneath my upper thighs became my five o'clock work whistle, an inarguable sign that the day was already over, before it had ever begun. Weeks went by like this. So smooth and easy that I hardly took notice. For I was a junkie, refreshing  my feed with abandon, in willful avoidance of the aforementioned True Conscious Hours. YouTube was where I found the good stuff. I let the algorithm swaddle me tight, held in close by its data-driven embrace. Fifteen-to-twenty minute videos filled up my daylight hours without friction. The app analyzed my viewing habits, my click-through rates, average time spent on a page, engagement (likes, dislikes, comments) and explicit feedback submissions, among hundreds of other figures, and then offered up a viral load of For You content. Up Next was left on perpetual autoplay. My Suggested Videos offered up new, pulsating veins to tap into.The algorithm led me to the strange community of glitch hunters. Those who scoured the three-dimensional plane, in search of an errant polygon or invisible wall. They looked for exposed flaws in the game design, ones that opened up new possibilities of play. And exploits, for speedruns. A number of these videos concerned Super Mario 64, a game they treated as a sacred hyperobject, the ur-three-dimensional movement game. The creators’ focus on Mario 64 went beyond mere glitches. They imposed masochistic constraints on themselves, in limiting their button presses to the least amount of jumps theoretically possible; all this within level environments specifically designed around the act of jumping. It was a mindset akin to religious asceticism, achieved through the careful study of mathematical formulas. Equations that led to new modes of movement. And the discovery of parallel worlds. The YouTubers tore apart the fabric of the game and grafted a new reality atop of it, one more pliable to the player’s will. I watched a series of videos in one uninterrupted sitting, a film festival curated by my most destructive viewing habits.  

Super Mario 64 - Watch for Rolling Rocks - 0.5x A Presses (Commentated) 

Here is a play by play of what I do. First, I use scuttlebug transportation to move a scuttlebug to the corner of the Watch for Rolling Rocks platform. Then, I use scuttlebug raising to raise him to about the height of the platform. Next, I use hyper speed walking to generate massive speed. Finally, I use Parallel Universe movement to navigate to the top of the course, launch to the scuttlebug to bounce on him, and ground pound in the misalignment of the platform to get onto it. And from there, I collect the star.

The TRUE Number of Parallel Universes in SM64, Solved!

Parallel universes in SM64 are a glitch where the memory for a level loops back around, caused by wandering too far from the stage. The glitch manifests as an invisible copy of the level, with varying degrees of bugged collision or objects. This has a strong resemblance to the nature of the 'Minus World' in Super Mario Bros, which is caused by another mathematical memory error.

My usual microphone is broken, so the sound quality might be a bit bad (I'll consider re-dubbing the video at some point). Not 100% sure if anyone has figured this out before, but based on what people have told me I don't believe it's been done.

Super Mario 64 - Go to The Secret Aquarium - 0x A Presses (VC Only) [OUTDATED]

I go to The Secret Aquarium using zero A presses. Unfortunately, this method is only possible on emulator and virtual console, and NOT console. This is because if Mario goes to a Parallel Universe on console without fixing the camera in the main map, the game will freeze.

So what are Parallel Universes? Well, Mario's position is a float, but is treated as a short for testing collisions. Since shorts can only hold up to 2^16 values, some information is lost in this conversion. Following this logic, there isn't just one map, but a grid of near infinite maps spread out by 2^16 intervals. These other maps are invisible, and are called Parallel Universes (PUs). With enough speed, Mario can travel to these PUs. 

The Mystery of the 1995 Build of Super Mario 64 (Every Copy of Super Mario 64 is Personalized)

On July 29th, 1995, a Super Mario 64 build was constructed that forever shook the internet. From a ghostly Wario apparition to strange cases of personalized copies of the game, this precursor Super Mario 64 version was full of many different mysteries. Many theories arose surrounding this haunted occurrence and today we'll be doing a deep dive into the bottom of the Mario 64 mystery iceberg.

(Rare) Unseen Footage Of E3 1996 Demo Of SM64 (Wario Apparition)

yep it fake ok ...

Every copy of Mario 64 is personalized?

why the f**k everyone keep saying THIS?

The Wario Apparition is a rare software glitch where an unused game sequence occurs with Wario’s head in a bowser room, in Mario 64. It is commonly mistaken to be a creepypasta. Waluigi apparition is also rumored to be in the game hidden somewhere, fake or not it’s very unsettling.

 I looked up from the blue light of my laptop screen. Soon I would be called down for dinner. And have to do the dishes afterwards. Then I would eat a low-calorie yogurt cup while I watched an episode of Shark Tank upstairs. Finally,  I would lay in bed for five hours. Stare at the ceiling as I listened to a podcast. Fall asleep with my fluorescent light still on. My teeth unbrushed, my face unwashed. Another day completed with little-to-no resistance. I wondered how long my desecration of Time could continue. Obscene enjoyment was derived from my days spent staring at the loading screen. The internal mantra of you were bad today, you were bad, you were very very bad—a vesper delivered with an implied smirk. From the outside looking in,  I could see I was locked into a game of chicken, secretly yearning for someone to come nail me down and call me on my bluff. To finally force my hand. I wanted to be taken down so fucking bad. To be shown for the heretic that I was. But no one wanted to go there with me. Those in my general vicinity danced on eggshells.There isn't just one map, but a grid of near infinite maps, spread out in multitudes of intervals. The videos got stuck in my head. I let the Parallel Universes form in my mind, then disintegrate and rebuild, unsure of their resonance. There was a certain poetry in the Youtuber’s voice over. My position is a float. But treated as a short. I nodded along in agreement. The coordinates of my spirit. Manifested as an invisible copy, with varying degrees of bugged collision or objects. The hidden realm was left largely untapped. How did I make use of the unseen copies, the glitches in my own memory loop? There was an effort, on my part, to create meaning. With minimal button presses. The apparition’s head in the room. A ghost, trapped within the RAM of a Nintendo 64 cartridge, our names already written in the code, before we’ve had the thought of purchasing the game. An old TV screen flickered, with washed out, red-green colors. It played back the graphical abstractions. But they were cruder than I’d remembered, with flattened water textures, and a pixelated tree that stuttered in and out of existence. Yeah, it’s fake. Ok?A voice called out for me. And yet I couldn't move. I was paralyzed, caught in the thick ooze of Wasted Time. My eyes scanned the room in a panic, searching for a stray platform, a scuttlebug, anything to launch me into the next map, towards an alternate grid. I longed for an invisible place, where zero presses would be enough.
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HOUSE FLY by Megan Nichols

Superstition slipped in with the last of the September flies. My hands were full and I couldn't get the door shut fast enough behind me. There was a clog in the bathroom sink where drain flies had nested. Something about my slowness made me wonder if we didn’t deserve it. Jake said to get hot vinegar if I was too damn scared of store bought bug killer. The sour smell drove him out all afternoon and when he came back he saw I had let the vinegar boil out. He headed upstairs with a bottle of bleach but found the bathroom door locked. He shook the handle, his mad rattling brass on brass. I kept the bathroom key hidden in a bag of bread flour and started buying loaves from Ms. Debbie. On Tuesday she said I had autumn all over me and could I please take off my sleeves because the sun wasn’t done yet. I told her I didn’t feel him. On Wednesday, Jake worked late so I cooked nothing and peered under the bathroom door. I heard more than I could see, a buzz louder than his engine in the drive. He came up behind me, a shock I can’t blame him for. I was captivated. A fly crawled under the door and then beside me on the floor, until it was under Jake's boot. On Thursday, I realized there was nothing in the drain but bar soap and toilet water. I wondered what they were eating. Jake left early the next morning, not mumbling like I thought, but shouting. Neighbor Mitchell came over with jam, said he’d seen all the bread I’d been carrying in and heard the yelling. I couldn’t think of what to reply because I hadn’t heard anything. On Saturday, I combed the crumbs from Jake's beard, wiped the jelly from his lips and stored the scraps in a paper napkin. He was late for the river yet drank his Busch slow while we waited for what, I wasn’t sure. When he left, he said the forest service would be burning the woods down and not to be afraid of any ash the wind might carry. I didn’t catch his meaning. I was busy shutting the front door behind him, then fishing the key out of the flour. At the flies’ door, I sprinkled the collected crumbs on the ground and blew them into the bathroom. There was no obvious reason for me to have grabbed the key. I knew from the first larvae floating under the faucet that I would never let the flies free, but I knew it in the way one knows a lie they like better than the truth. Playing pretend, I put the key in the lock and let it rest a while, imagining what it’d mean to open the doorand see what I’d let grow. The outside air was cooler now, no flies swarming picnics or slipping through windows. The neighbors had already begun to eat a little slower; begun to keep the lids off butter dishes. What would it mean to unleash the end of their ease? I pulled the key out knowing I could not open it and felt sick. A million flies thrashed inside that locked room.  I pushed my forehead to the floor and the house vibrated in a familiar pattern, till I knew his boots were beside me. His hands didn’t notice the key still in the door; they carried a drill and went for the hinges. He didn’t notice how easy it could have been to open. I hollered, Jake, Jake we don’t want to know but the drill was in his ear and the screws fell to the carpet. At once the door laid him out flat, or rather the flies pushed the door down with him under it. I pulled the neck of my dress over my mouth and nose, sealed my eyes and through the pulsing air, felt my way to him. Flies were in my ears and over my body, the force of them so thick the air resisted as I pushed the door away. The flies did not disperse but were a continuous flood, layering over each other and on top of us, so that it took my roaming hands minutes before I found the key sticking out of the top of Jake’s leg. His hands found mine and pushed them away. He did not hear me as I said no, don’t make room for them in you. He pulled the metal out. Instinctively, I dug my fingers into the wound trying to fill the space but he didn’t understand. He pushed me out and I came back and he pushed me out again. In seconds the flies found their way into the flesh, eggs were buried close to bone. Seconds more and the larva was spilling out of his thigh, growing wings, laying more eggs. Maggots hatched the infection in his blood, then sped the decay. The flies forced the rot and ate it up and then they went for the blood on my fingers and the crumbs on my dress. They ate the wishes out of my belly and the lies out of my mouth and by the end of it all I understood superstition had just been a false name for knowing.
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A BEETLE TRAPPED IN GLASS by Meghan Proulx

First, he’s packed and put on ice like a seabass. Then he’s put in a state of vitrification and becomes a non-crystalline amorphous solid like a beetle trapped in glass. Seeing him during this time is like visiting someone in a coma, except I can’t touch him because there’s a risk of shattering. For one month a year, his body is reheated and drained of all preservation liquid. This is when the science happens and I find out what it means for him to have donated his still-living body to science. There are educational posters about it on all the walls. They describe the process beautifully, using metaphors about butterflies to great effect. My mother and I visit him daily during the month. We watch specialists poke at him, inject him with diseases, and test him with trial-stage medications. One experiment goes wrong and he loses a foot. In exchange for his body, we’re paid generously. We can afford organic groceries now. My dad also receives a retirement fund and a promise that if he dies before his term is up, our family will get a payout. This happens in about 35% of cases.I’ll be forty when he’s warm again and when I imagine our reunion we’re looking at each other with similarly lined faces. His doctor tells me to be thankful, the facility says we should be proud, and after several years his body helps them find a cure. His sacrifice is for you they say, and so I wear my gratefulness as best I can and when the doctor turns away I touch my father's fingers. They’re soft, like the inside of a slipper, and when I leave I feel his handprint on me and bring it home where all the pieces left behind live.
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YIELDING AS GLASS YIELDS TO FIRE: AN INTERVIEW WITH MANDIRA PATTNAIK by Rebecca Gransden

Shifting states. The novel-in-flash Glass/Fire (Querencia Press, 2024) exhibits the unfolding travails of girlhood, a reality adorned in rich contradiction and symbolism. Mandira Pattnaik’s sumptuous language carries forth a deep and sensuous meditation on life’s volatility. The wildness of nature’s forces at their most capricious lend an elemental intensity to fate. A dynamic and revealing exploration of growth, I talked to the author about the book.Rebecca Gransden: In the mood we were in, fire could be liquid, could be sand, or molten like lava, or flames, licking the last of us.You open the book with the above line. How important are opening lines to you and what does this particular line suggest about the book in its entirety?Mandira Pattnaik: Thank you, Rebecca. I do not particularly stress over opening lines, though I greatly acknowledge their importance, especially in flash fiction. It’s helpful to think of the opening as the answer to the question: What does it all boil down to? So, it is essentially the essence of what I want to convey. I want readers to feel surprised, or jolted, or pleased, or offended—I want them to respond in whatever way. With fiction, I shepherd some of the things that I know as truths ignoring from which field of study they originate and insert them into my make-believe world. I’ve now grown to enjoy this kind of braiding. This line, while it braids certain facts about the nature of fire, also tells something about ‘us’. Do ‘we’, as much as we are ‘in the mood’, as yielding as glass yields to fire? I asked myself this question that hadn’t been answered or addressed in my mind and wished to take the narrative forward from there. That’s the way I approach writing—a kind of collaboration between knowing and unknowing. It becomes interesting how a fractured pattern forms that I must uncover in the process while exploring what remains unsaid. Since I had the scope of a novella, and it was the first time I was attempting something of this length, I had the liberty to take or not take the chance to provide answers, and hoping the reader will decide for themselves.RG: How did you decide upon the title—Glass/Fire—for the book?MP: Glass and fire are unrelated in ordinary usage, and it is easy to forget that something as common as glass is formed by subjecting moldable liquid to fire. But then, glass is fragile. Again, some of the toughest glass-made objects are very useful. Fire is energy, enormously potent, but it is shapeless. It has many forms just like glass. Firepower, however, again like glass, has been tamed to suit human needs. So, all these facts seemed very related, though not in a general comprehensible sense. When I set upon the idea of the novella, the opening story was already out in the world, titled as “Glass/Fire”. After that first piece was published, I was sure it was a title that was full of possibilities and that could be open to interpretation (which I kind of love about titles!), and I had to name the novella that I was writing with the same title.RG: A recurring theme is that of impermanence, the fluid nature of states, whether that be of the physical, tangible and chemical type, or the psychological or spiritual. What is your approach to transience?MP: In Indian Hindu religion and mythology, from a very young age, we’re rather familiar with thought-schools such as the cyclical nature of births and rebirths, the virtue of detachment (to possessions as well as relationships) as opposed to being attached, and how change and impermanence is in-built in the universe (as opposed to absoluteness). I understand the doctrine of impermanence is very important to us as a people. Neither are rulers forever, nor is the mortal body to last eternally. Similarly for wealth or happiness, as is bad times and sadness. In Buddhism too, which originated in India, ‘anicca’ is the same doctrine of impermanence, evanescence, transience. Just as life changes in empirically observable states of childhood, youth and death, so do mental events as they come into being and get dissolved. Friends and foes appear and fuse into the mind’s horizon when their job is done. I find this deeply profound. I realize that the recognition of impermanence alleviates the stress of modern living. I seem to course around the theme of transience quite often in my prose and poetry and somehow that has touched a chord with my readers. Simultaneously, I am a great believer of fluidity and interchangeability. These preferences, I understand, gain ground in my writing in a natural manner.RG: Your language is rich, sensual, often concentrated in its descriptions. You make extensive and poetic use of simile and layered meaning. How much of the style you’ve chosen for Glass/Fire is a conscious decision?MP: Thank you so much for saying so. I’m grateful for all the praise that my use of language gathers, given that I am not a native English speaker. Also, I am not a trained writer in any sense—no degrees or writing workshops, and nothing to do with writing in my family, so it amuses me when Granta, denying me a bursary that I had applied for, compares my sample piece’s style to that of Gabriel Garcia Marquez. It also propels me to search for what is my true calling, but then I realize that, having had no training is a blessing as I have all the liberty in the world to use my natural style the way I wish to. I have often been appreciated as a lyrical and sensual writer, which of course, is gratefully received. As often happens, one is not prepared to hear anything about one’s writing—I feel so inadequate as an outsider, untrained, writer from the global south. And then one does get more comfortable. It kind of grows on you, and one starts believing in one’s writing—which I guess happened to me. It was never conscious. I am happy I am allowed my lyrical style, without the imposed regulations that academia might have suggested, or which formal training might have eroded.RG: Let’s imagine pure mechanics. Not fire. Instead of glass, let’s talk attraction and repulsion. What is to be stirred with two scoops of isinglass so courses of molecules change, or solidify like glue, or say, become viscous?It’s tempting to see a tension between the scientific and materialist language used in the book and the lyrical and artful, but the impulse to adhere to distinct categorizations on those terms is made moot early on. While you talk of the chemistry that makes us, the stuff of life, the novella interweaves aspects more broadly to present a holistic view. How do you view the scientific when it comes to Glass/Fire? Do you have a personal interest in the sciences?MP: It's really difficult to place science and art in two watertight compartments, isn’t it? There’s a constant osmosis taking place, and even one feeding on the other to enrich and enhance each other. I like this interplay. I tend to incorporate this tension between science and art amply in my writing. When it comes to Glass/Fire, the very basis of the work, starting at its title, is heavily drawn from various branches of science. I like to think of myself as a scientific and rational individual who also recognizes the limitations of science, both theoretically and practically. I have a background in science, yes, but I also graduated in economics and worked in accounts and audit—so these are all related and interwoven into my writing now. I’m also a big advocate of science explained and used in everyday life, as should the arts be. Instead of classrooms and seminars, science and arts should be part of life for the masses, not just the elite few.RG: But being suspicious in a relationship cemented with trust, is really cruel, it eats away the insides like termites.The novella addresses heavy themes such as adultery, marital breakdown and family strife. Your characters face the undermining of their foundations. How did you go about incorporating these aspects within Glass/Fire?MP: In opting for exploring certain issues, or the choices of themes we make as writers, I am not much interested in topics that essentially affect an individual or family, such as the themes above. I’d rather explore issues that affect society more broadly, such as hunger, civil unrest or apartheid. Having said that, themes of a domestic nature are no lesser in my mind, just a matter of what I am keener on examining as a writer. To me, issues of adultery or marital breakdown are simply manifestations of other problems in families and societies, and as you very importantly point out, in surviving these, the characters in Glass/Fire face the undermining of the very foundations on which their existence depends. These are ways in which the characters are forced to reevaluate the very basis of their being—and they undoubtedly fight back. I wanted to address how fragile existence sometimes becomes, when the truths and relationships you hold dear to yourself are shaken. I believe this kind of tangential approach to characterization requires more involvement and engagement. Instead of examining the said intensely domestic themes directly, or thinking about these issues as specific to one group or category, I asked myself if I could get to the core of their sadness or unfulfillment, and if there were several minor issues that were responsible for the situations the characters found themselves in.RG: There was a man dwelt by a churchyard. His wife was the enormous yew tree that shielded him from all. His children came by as autumn leaves, or as some say, they were the cattle that died grazing upon the yew. Sometimes the man coughed so hard, he’d want to be taken out to sea. But they’d trick him—his wife and his cattle-children—saying, the season’s changed and Christmas is here, when nothing ever changed at all.When it comes to narrative, the novella constantly highlights the meaning to be found in the everyday, that symbolic significance not only exists in a wider cultural manner but is amplified and changed by the personal stories we tell ourselves and are reinforced by family rituals. What was your approach to narrative for Glass/Fire?MP: I find the symbolism in ordinariness haunting me everywhere. It is like there are things on display, in nature and in people, waiting to be observed and newness discovered, until one realizes that it is only the form that has changed, and nothing ever changes permanently. I think I am going back to the theme of impermanence I discussed earlier. There is a lot of anguish, sense of betrayal, and a sense of forced mental captivity in Glass/Fire, and the only way out of it, at least momentarily, was to search for symbolic outlets for that feeling. I think the undercurrent of anguish is somewhat redeemed through the pursuit of, what I term as, ‘extraordinary ordinariness’. I’m attracted to natural, accessible objects' magnetic qualities, things and sights easily missed by the unobservant, which are significant in the way they enhance the beauty of the everyday and what is considered the regular or mundane. In that reference, my approach in Glass/Fire was to find that ray of hope in ordinariness as a signifier of extraordinariness.RG: How does the concept of freedom impact the book?MP: Ah, now that’s somewhat muddy territory for me—I mean, this concept of freedom. What is even freedom—how free are we? What is the freedom of mind? Is being free in the body enough? There are so many questions, and I can hardly begin to comprehend even if I knew the answers. But yes, I am very much an independent thinking individual and the concept of being free, or at least, feeling free is very important to me as a writer. I routinely turn down offers to write according to a certain theme or plan I’m not enthusiastic about. I respect others’ freedom, and in that context, I think it is very essential that we can be tolerant towards the ‘other’, whatever that may encompass. In this book, the narrator, Lily, their mother, Jo, and Heena—they are all seeking some degree of freedom. Some manage to achieve that ‘limited’ freedom they had been dreaming of, others don’t. So that again becomes slippery territory and I’ll leave readers to decide for themselves.RG: Gaze at the archipelago around, like it were the pores of a humungous indigo skin. Pass the tiny island where the market still spills with cheap wares people buy. Not you fancying something anymore, though—glass bangles and silk scarves and colored beads mean nothing today. Ceased to have any merit long ago.At a point in the novella you address the psychological consequences and emotionally disruptive impact of a devastating event. What struck me as particularly perceptive was the observation that in the aftermath of such an event meaning is drained from the world, rearranged or lost. Do you have a philosophical approach to meaning that is expressed in Glass/Fire?MP: I am not sure I am consciously incorporating the ‘meaninglessness’ of certain things in the aftermath of a particularly traumatic or psychologically draining event, but I think it follows as a universal truth of the human condition. When a relationship is thriving, there are several associated memories, and the lovers hold on to those as proxies of the ‘feeling of being in love’. But when there’s a disruption, the equations change, and the same things have no significance.The stories I’m interested in and truly invested in, and want to produce, are about finding the truer meaning underneath our superficial lives and delving into the raw, untouched material underneath. That is where the root is—the origin and consequence. After Where We Set Our Easel, my debut novella, I found myself thinking, What is the consequence? In my debut, I was particularly favorable to seeking a hopeful resolution. But in this one, because of its length which allowed me more space, I wanted to approach the questions of origin and consequence with more elaboration, and not necessarily a peaceful resolution.RG: Looking back, but with an eye on the future, how do you feel about Glass/Fire now? What is next for you?MP: I feel content with how Glass/Fire has been received by readers. I can perceive that it has generated critical interest and is being seen as a book that stands out from the crowd. This is extremely encouraging because I write about characters and settings that are not very common—especially because they belong to South Asia and the novella almost entirely happens in a coastal region of India. I am also happy that this means I can continue to be as original and faithful to my style as I want to. Following this, I have a collection of short stories that I hope will find publication soon. I am also excited about my debut novel that I am currently working on.
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REPOTTING by Ona Akinde

1at the airport in lagos, we find out my bags are overweight. it doesn’t surprise me. how was I supposed to fit years of my life into two 23kg suitcases? I buy an overpriced ghana-must-go bag to replace the heavier suitcase so I have more room for my things but my bags are still overweight. my mother is frantic as we pack and unpack, and I decide what else to let go of. “are you sure you don’t need this? the dress is nice on you,” she asks as I hand her another item of clothing to take back home. I nod my head yes, despite the uncertainty that washes over me. I think to myself,  maybe I do need this. I still need you. I don’t know what I can do without. my bags are exactly 23kg by the time we’re done. I finally check in and as I hug my mother goodbye, our words become tears. we stay in that embrace, in silence, weeping and weeping until an immigration officer asks me to stop crying because I’ll see my mother again soon. but I don’t know when soon is. 2.ten days after I move to houston, I start feeling unwell. I tell myself it’s nothing serious and decide it’s fatigue from adjusting to the peak august heat, but I get progressively worse. my head won’t stop hurting. my throat is sore. my eyes are heavy. I’m burning up. I manage to buy flu and fever meds at a nearby h-e-b. for four days, I am confined to my apartment, weak and exhausted. I don’t have family or friends here yet. I haven’t figured out my health insurance plan. I don’t know if the meds are working. I have no appetite. I wake up each day feeling better and then worse. I cry because I’m so afraid. I set multiple alarms because I worry I will sleep and not wake up. my body feels like foreign matter the city is reacting to.  3.the sickness passes on its own, but for weeks I dread going to bed. I struggle to fall asleep and when I eventually do, I struggle to stay asleep. my dreams feel like malaria dreams: vivid and nonsensical. I dream of childhoods I didn’t have. I often dream of a lagos that I am familiar with but that also doesn’t exist. the events in the dreams blur the line between real and unreal. I wake up confused and worn out. I have to remind myself where I am. I still wake up at the times my alarms in lagos used to go off. my full-size bed feels like it’s consuming me so I start sleeping on my couch because there’s less room for me to wander, for my body to lose itself. in lagos, I had no trouble falling and staying asleep.  4.it’s midnight in lagos and london. everyone I love is asleep. but it’s 6pm in houston and I don’t know who to call or text about my day. I spend my evenings in silence in my apartment. it’s the quietest I’ve been in months. 5.on a saturday in september, I make puff puff from scratch for the first time. I combine flour, sugar, milk, yeast and warm water to form a stretchy dough. I worry that the consistency isn’t right but I cover the mixture with a towel, put it in one of the kitchen cabinets, and hope that it rises. I think about lagos and the small joy that was going on a drive to buy puff puff. and how it’d become a longer drive because I’d remember something else I needed to buy and stop at a supermarket, or two. I think about my regular routes that I could navigate without google maps and ubers and buses that are never on time. the dough rises as it should and I deep fry the mixture in scoops, watching mostly perfect golden brown balls form. I take a picture when I’m done frying the puff puff and send to my mother. I eat puff puff for lunch and dinner that day and then breakfast the next day. 6.my screen time is at an all-time high. I don’t want to lose touch. I keep streaks on tiktok and snapchat. I send multiple long voice notes to update my friends. it’s always video calls with my parents and sisters, never audio calls. but I feel like I’m constantly playing catch-up. like I’m missing out on experiencing life happening to the people I love. it will never be the same again. I wake up on a monday morning in october and call my sister. she stays on the phone with me as my voice breaks and the tears fall. I just feel so alone, I just feel so alone. when my professor asks later that day if I’m settling into houston okay, I say that I am. 7.I’m aware of my possibilities as a writer in houston, in a way that I wasn’t in lagos. it feels like for the first time in a long time, my writing finally has the space to thrive. I knew I needed to leave lagos. but being here is hard. my god, it’s so hard.  8.if plants aren’t repotted when they need it, they can outgrow their existing pots and become pot bound, causing them to suffer and struggle to survive. however, healthy plants may appear sick after repotting due to transplant shock, a temporary stress response caused by the disturbance of the plant’s root system. in most cases, transplant shock is temporary and while some plants will recover within a few weeks with proper care, others may take several months to fully recover.  9.it’s december. I’m still struggling to sleep through the night.
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