These stories are from Kevin Sampsell’s new zine, The 24 Days of Xmas.
New Smooth Santa
Christmas was approaching, but Santa had no beard. He’d shaved it off that summer after his dog, Carol, gave him fleas. He thought he would be able to grow it back by the holiday season, but his face was still smooth as a baby. He couldn’t understand it. Long white beards ran in the family, from his father, Nick Sr., to his uncle, Walt, and brother, Richard. Even his sister, Nicolette, had a glorious white beard, which she often braided with garlic to keep vampires away (as a child, she was traumatized by the 1922 film, Nosferatu).
Santa looked in the bathroom mirror hopelessly, rubbing his sleek features. He had to resort to fake beards when greeting children at the mall. Some of the kids even tugged at the false hair rubber banded around his ears and looked disappointed. He’s not the real Santa, they would tell their parents. Santa would try to dispel the rumors by casually showing everyone his driver’s license.
Deep down in his gut, though, he was warming up to life without the beard. He felt more youthful, lighter, and aerodynamic. He wondered if he could somehow “rebrand” his Santa Claus image. It would likely require a strategic marketing campaign. But he knew it probably wouldn’t work.
Maybe the fake beard was the way to go. His new smooth look would make the rest of the year easier for him; he could finally be incognito. He liked the idea of a new image for Santas of the future. One that looked like a chubby Ryan Gosling. Honestly, it would give his confidence a little boost when applying for jobs in the spring.
The Christmas Banana
The Christmas banana went to the staff party. There were mocktails and gingerbread cookies on a long table. People danced to music that was popular on the radio twenty years ago. They jerked their limbs, seizure-like, and squirmed joyfully on the floor. The DJ wore an elf’s hat that made him look like a child. The staff party started at 3:00 in the afternoon so people could still leave the office at 5:00.
After 5:00, people were allowed to drink alcohol and do drugs. Some people took off their clothes and abused the photocopy machines. Christmas tree ornaments dangled inappropriately on body parts. Candy canes were licked, then discarded into filing cabinets.
The Christmas banana was only a banana on this one day every year. It was the highlight of the year for him. Something about the snazzy shade of yellow and the way his skin peeled away from his body. It felt like his truest essence. In his prayers, he wished he could die this way. In his dreams, he was a banana everyday and forever.